Video is sponsored by the Ridge Wallet. [Explosion clips] Strap in boys, we’re in for a wild one. It’s Christma stime again. We’re officially several days in December so of course naturally the 1990s classic Home Alone series is sure to be popping up in your recommendations soon. And I thought I was kinda done with the series. I didn’t wanna tackle the originals like everyone seemingly has always done, so around this time last year, I made a video called: The Home Alone Sequels We Don’t Talk About. If you haven’t seen it, I’d recommend checking it out after this video. But while I figured I’d covered all my bases with Home Alone 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.
Apparently soon after I released that I was told there was another. Something so daring and off-brand, that it was a crime I omitted it. So here we are 12 months later with the dreadfully photoshopped poster design that is… Bone Alone. And yes, that’s the actual title. It’s not some kind of parody of a certain type of nature you can actually find online, it’s real. Though in some places it’s called Alone for Christmas, boring. You know! From THE ASYLUM. That iconic company that doesn’t feel ominous as text at all.. This isn’t part of the official series, but how bad could it possibly be? See it’s got the white snow, the Christmas music and- oh god, yeah the animals talk in this film. This can only go one of two ways.. Also we’re gonna be rating this film like we did last year to see if it’s actually got the elements of a GOOD Home Alone movie. So after a brief scene with terrible dubbing and awkward editing, we’re greeted with the opening sequence which is essentially one big animation to explain the dog’s relationships so they don’t have to recreate it in live action.
Efficient I guess. With all the stock cartoony sound effects and minimal framework. Apparently this has a solid 5 star rating on Amazon Prime… we’ll see about that. So finally we reach our actual family and-wait wait is that the DAD from Wizards of Waverly Place? Oh buddy..and this was in 2013, after that series, oh no.. [Dog talking] And there it is folks. The dogs can talk, but the movie doesn’t have the budget to CGI their mouths very well. Get used to these choppy cuts to this artificial face shots. Ugh. So the Puppy hears something downstairs and senses danger, the Oldie follows and they eventually investigate to find a doll in one of the presents, though the Old one is blamed for the mess over the Puppy actually doing the action. And the family all sporadically woke up to witness the aftermath. The Old One’s name is Bone by the way. Hence why it’s Bone Alone. You’d think it’d be the Puppy based on the Poster, but you’d be disappointed. So now some undefined time later, the Mum is working out(?), the boy is on his flip phone in 2013 calling this the worst christmas ever and describing the tree incident as [savage], *sigh*.
And the Dad says Bone can’t join them for visiting Grandma for Christmas cause he’s been too wild lately. [But Daaad] – You can really feel the emotion in these child actors. I wouldn’t usually put it on them all too much, but their competition here is literally McCauley Culkin. Like c’mon, a little bit of emotion please. I do like though that the Dad also warns them not to use the shower cause the pipes and knobs are faulty. Doesn’t really logically help Bone since he’s not in the room, but at least we know. So Columbus – that’s the puppy – apologises to Bone and he says it’s no big deal. Until he realises it’s more than a timeout.
[I’m gonna miss the big turkey] Again, can really feel the emotion in this. Don’t worry, it seems to be a trait with everybody across the board cause Columbus too has his dreadful delivery moment with [Intruder!] And that intruder is this guy! I actually like this story beat, sure it’s taken straight from the original but it’s like good storytelling to me. Anyway he’s overly jolly and a little weird, and the Mum tells him they’re leaving for Christmas Day. He’s Jake by the way. And whaddya know, he’s a bad guy. In charge of a couple kids I guess? Forget a dynamic duo, this is a team of 3. And they’re BOTH the comic relief. This seems to be a running theme of too many villains, I don’t really see the appeal.
[Crushing kid’s bike] That’s the worst editing AND acting I think I’ve ever seen. So the family are driving in the car, and I think the editor forgot to take out the blue screen behind them. What is this background? Are they supposed to be driving on the sky or something? There’s also more of this terrible editing mashup between Bone looking straight ahead when the Daughter talks, and then being off to the side on the master shot. You can’t unsee once you notice. And a lot of times there’s these extra shots that have no real spatial connection in the scene.
It’s everywhere. So Bone is dropped off at a kennel run by this guy, he’s just a weirdo dog person. Be interesting if he was another villainous type to spice up the plot, but no. They make a LOT of jokes with him, calling the weather hot, saying his wife’s name was Bone, liking dogs like his brother who he hates sometimes, and discounting money the wrong way, and they’re all bad. And they really drag out his scene. [You can take that to the internet contraption] What year is it? 2013?? The internet and livestreaming really isn’t new. Eventually after all the red flags, the Dad drops Bone off. Oh boy. Bone attempts to talk to the others, and one tells him to [GO AWAY, let’s leave him alone] And that’s the end of that scene.
The family drive and stop for hot chocolate and get to see Bone on the livestream. While the dogs talk about how the anxious one “lost his bite” by letting thieves into the house in the prologue and ruining Christmas for the family. A bad watchdog. And judging by the smell, they recognise it was Jake, and that the same thing will happen to Bone’s place. It’s Home Alone time! [You have to stop them.
Stop them, how? I can’t even call 911] *sigh* Even when I try to get into the plot, this voice acting is just too dreadful to keep me immersed. They also follow it up immediately with [And we don’t even have thumbs badum tss] …why do I even bother. And apparently even after this film there’s more Home Alone to come cause, get this, Disney+ are making a reboot now, with Macaulay Culkin back and some newbies like Archie Yates! We’ll talk about it more later. So after some stupid hijinks and bad jokes, Bone sneaks out pretty easily through an open door? Meanwhile, Columbus who was left in the car, tries to save Bone by, get this, setting off the parking brake and crashing it to break a window. The animation by the way is just [smash] oh, it’s just beautiful isn’t it? So Columbus has now hopped on the back of a truck and is somehow spotted by the daughter. As Columbus rides back, Bone is running on foot, and then on skateboard apparently. Alright. And another running theme with this bad movies is just the terrible toylike soundtrack.
When does this ever work well? It doesn’t here. So Bone spooks them with car alarms by pawing at tires apparently (what?) and he gets to work on his traps. Digging into the wood, getting mousetrap glue, and constantly just giving us one-liners for each trap piece. [examples] How did you turn the Home Alone montage lame? None of this was foreshadowed earlier, there was no time to think on these traps, it just kinda all happens. Why does Bone have this level of intelligence anyway? And now the main event finally begins. The thieving. Featuring the smart one Jake, the dumb one at the back… and the middleman. I don’t feel what stands him apart from the trio, y’know? Bad characters, right off the bat. So what is the very first trap of the film? Is it a slippery stairway? Or a burning doorknob? A brick to the face or gunly illusion? No. It’s just a hole. Just a hole. [Falling in] [Stepbro I’m stuck] This middle guy has the worst acting of the three by far with how little he can actually emote.
And while the trio spend a million hours trying to pull him out (cause the guy won’t move his arms out of the way), Bone then comes alone with a frying pan. [Whack ending] Honestly the sound design sounds like he mangling all of his bones. Like a horror parody of Home Alone. Up next is [slippery soap for slippery folk] Whereby the thieves find a convenient ladder and window, and as Dumbo climbs up it, Bone magically spews the ladder, ISN’T SEEN, and dumbo falls down. And that’s it. I mean so far even when we’re at the “good bit” it’s just so lazy and BORING! So moving on, Columbus is spotted by the owners of the truck and it’s Santa! Set now on getting him home. [This little one needs to be with family] God they played this cheesy.
Diesel the other dog on the truck meanwhile is much more confrontational haha. He hears of the thieving plot that I guess Columbus heard through the iPad? (They didn’t show that very well) And he tells of his hardcore watchdog juggular biting days. And then the real family starts to pop up! [You have our dog!] Yeah, but I think you lost your kids in the back there! So with this being a conundrum, what is there to do? Well, Diesel then pulls out A SPIKED PLANK and DECIMATES THE FAMILY CAR TO SPIN OUT. WHAT??? [Quick stop] Oh yeah, cause that’s how physics work. You thought the budget for the CGI jaws wasn’t enough, you haven’t seen nothing yet.
Time for trap sequence number 2. Jake sneaks into a window, steps on some sticky pads and falls onto the floor. Quality. He’s stuck with a wire trail, until he just… pulls it off. And lets the others in, wouldn’t the window be just fine? Dumbo finds some precarious jewelry and remember that candlestick piece from before, yeah, somehow, Bone I guess, ignited it entirely, and it stayed hot for like 20 minutes for this trap. AND THEN! JAKE MAGICALLY CATCHES IT THROUGH LIKE THE WALLS AND THEN KNOCKS OUT MIDDLEMAN WITH A SHOT that’s clearly just in reverse or something. What is this terrible slapped together editing? How badly do you have to film a sequence for the editor to have to stitch things up like this?? Like this is worse than amateur!! And as a finale, Bone threatens them with a chandelier trap which is really dragged out, middleman wakes up only when it’s convenient for plot, and they dodge it.
Why do these VFX shots always come with this artificial motion, it doesn’t flow at all. Carollers are at the door in the middle of the day, they disappear the moment the door shuts, and Jake calls in for backup. Another villain to the mix, and an expert. Someone even the others are afraid of. Here he is. Stealing dogs to claim the rewards. He’s saying jokes, but forget about it. They’re not very good. Y’know what this reminds me of? Mousehunt! With Lee Evans and the guy who voices Timon. That was all about chasing a mouse, and that did slapstick traps RIGHT! They even brought in an expert in that film, a couple of times, with crazy results, anyway back to this. [Spare tire goes flying away] Wh-How does that even happen? And they dragged this out with that not paying attention cliche for like a minute but it’s only made it that far? I-mean I– A– *Facepalming* As I trudge through this movie, if you’re liking my stuff so far, do subscribe, you know all this. And on Twitch today we’re hosting the November Trailer Showcase! Reacting to and analysing LIVE all the trailers of the last month.
Just an hour after this is out. So dog catcher Quentin arrives. Demanding $60 over $50 and the rest of middleman’s burrito. [It’s a chimichanga, creepy music] Who composed for this scene? Have they ever heard of context, and being good at their job? Jake then looks at the camera as he talks to Quentin, and HE rants about dog scars he’s got and over drags one story about the mental scar of being in a plane crash with endangered rabid poodles. So with all this experience, what Quentin’s big trap plan? Fishing with a steak.
That’s literally it. Not even moving from the couch or anything. This ain’t no Mousehunt. And during this, the dumb one needs to pee, bringing a random magazine with him because it’s still the 90s apparently, and Bone hooks the steak onto him instead. Don’t ask the logic of how he did it without any movement on the rod, who where the string went in this shot, or how the DUMB GUY DOESN’T NOTICE THE STEAK IN HIS PANTS. And then they start yanking on him for a very long time. If this dude was some kind of genuine comic they could have done something with this y’know? Some slapstick faces, an over-the-top crashing on the table or something.
But no. We get this instead. [clip] Terrible dubbing and all. Dude looks at the camera, doesn’t call out to the guys at all, finally grips onto a table that’s clearly loose and crashes a bookshelf onto himself. And that’s it. What a terribly uncreative trap. Quentin then comes out with a taser rod which he never thought of beforehand, looks around in BOXES for Bone(?), approaches that same doll call from beforehand and then [clip] I MEAN jeez, why does this film have a setting of no intensity, or maximum? This is just ridiculous! It’s not even delivered in a good slapstick way, y’know, like in number 2??, it’s just surprisingly explosive sometimes and just as quick as one! And that’s the end of Quentin. Now, sometime later I guess, Bone drops a singing dog into a laundry basket, luring the middleman into the laundry chute and trapping him, all the while we hear this singing for the next few minutes on repeat to bleed out our ears, and Bone finishes it off with, I’m not kidding here, [one pointed lawn dart, scream] Y’know this would really translate better if you didn’t immediately cut to the clear unharmed backside of the dude.
Sometimes I think the editor just tries to make it work with what they’ve got, but maybe they’re just as clueless as everyone else. Or it’s all the director’s doing. Dumbo steps on some flour. That’s that trap. Oh and he also puts hot sauce on his face with a towel, and Jake steps on lego. Classic. Which somehow leads him to fall on a bed. Alright. HE now has squeaky footsteps, which honestly, isn’t the worst gag in the world… if they tried a little more with it. They don’t. It gets annoying. Dumbo heads into the shower, Bone sneaks in incredibly slowly and traps him in the shower. And the water doesn't stop cause the pipes don’t work. But sure, that one ball in the hole will plug up the entire thing.
Wait, is that just a PICTURE of a broom? Wha-Jake finds the middleman in the chute, removes the dart and they bless us with [fart joke] This is the character trait of the third thief. Was it worth it? That jingle bells song is still going on by the way. [Smashing it] Yeah I feel ya. So Bone continues with his impromptu traps by now placing a grill beneath the middle thief, again with artificial VFX movement on the fire cause of course. We’ll come back to that later. I swear these mouth animations just get worse over time. Columbus is listing the things he wants for christmas, but most of all, he wants [his family to have a safe and happy holiday] , wow, that’s a surprise. That’s actually one of the pieces needed to make a GOOD Home Alone film. Make it be all about family. Pretty much all the real sequels missed out on this.
But here? They’ve got it! Dogs want their family, and the family want their dogs. Shame literally everything else is in shambles! Also the family learn that Bone is missing too now. It doesn’t really come back though. Jake gets middleman through and [clip] This dude is literally a worse actor than the kids. Also was that supposed to be a clever reference? It wasn’t one of them. Dumbo’s still in the shower, the others corner Bone and suddenly Dumbo’s underwater now aaand… [clip] I feel like it kinda loses it’s flare after a while y’know? It’s got the shake.
The bad scream. The lack of imagination. The terrible stitch job. Just running through the motions at this point. And Bone is stuck in the cupboard. Time for a success montage. All with poppy lyrical music. Way to try to force content where there practically isn’t one. Jake spends a full minute on shoes. And then the music is stopped by the doorbell – it’s Santa! Delivering Columbus! Jake preps to attack them..somehow despite there being 2 of them and another dog, and they leave. The dogs reunite in the cupboard. Meanwhile the family are talking about the dogs. [They’re family. And family always comes first] Gee I wonder what the message of the film is. Show don’t tell not a thing? So now Diesel is missing and Santa’s only just noticed.
And the thieves have succeeded. Jake however isn’t satisfied. [I know they’re gonna die, I just wanna be there when it happens, now go get them.] And on this one forced point alone, the plot just falls apart. Cause of that, the dogs get free, Dumbo apparently teleports between the house and the van, and Jake rushes back to the house, forcing the others to find them. Dumbo searches boxes cause we’re not done with that bit yet, though it’s not even played as a bit(?), Jake mistakens dog toys for the dogs(??) and the middle guy finds treats for Santa on the mantle.
..but wait, if the family are gone for the week, then they just left out milk to go moldy and cookies to go hard. Whaa? What is going on at this point?? And as he enjoys the treat, Columbus NOW manages to wrap ROPE around his ankles, UNNOTICED, and they propel him up the chimney. Hey! This is like the most creative trap so far! The execution is still pretty terrible. Fake walls with a bad green screen that doesn’t even acknowledge the hair?? C’mon. And then they turn on the fireplace. They really wanna cook this guy. And with ALMOST a decent trap idea, how do they finish it up? What’s this guy’s character trait again? [Farting] *Sigh*. Dumbo’s then here struggling to just grab the damn dog, and [fart explosion] Jake meanwhile is ready to fight Bone with his fist(???) and Bone retorts by, my god.., turning on the treadmill and flipping FORKS onto it.
Where’d he get them? Why is Jake ALSO bad at acting, why is he telling him to stop like a human being?? And then Jake just freaks out and JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW. WHAT IS HAPPENING!! Oh but we’re not done yet, Dumbo is caught on obvious string strap, here’s clearly at the bottom of the stairs until he’s NOT, he’s dragged through the house, apparently bringing a door with him (thank you for the random VFX shake again), and he’s strung up upside down in the garage. Also Jake reverse looks up to catch a lampshade with his head, also in reverse. H-How do you mess this up in filming? And the sound of it! [clip] Did the Dog make this? Well I’m using this as a segue, if you want something made of quality, then look no further than The Ridge Wallet. It’s sleek, industrial, can hold up to 12 cards and plenty of room for cash, in a new modern design. Garnering over 40,000 5-star reviews, so you know it’s good.
And it comes with a lifetime warranty to keep you prepped for good. So use my code at Ridge.com/Dazz, using the code Dazz to get 10% off. That’s an easy enough code to remember right? Now, back to this dog production… So with literally now just 5 minute left of the film, the dogs celebrate each other, middleman pops up, Diesel comes in for the rescue by just, running into the guy (so much for all that jugular talk), and the thieves are all wrapped up together. [Jake gibberish] I legitimately have no idea why he’s suddenly stopped speaking English at this point.
Did he just go mad? His actions kinda say so. Whatever. The family return to him in his hrapmble, they find their dogs, and it’s a happy ending. Guess Grandma’s in for a lonely Christmas cause this is where the family is settled. Oh, and now there’s a police officer on the scene. Yikes. The boy describes the events and calls it the Best Christmas ever, finishing his arc, but wait, didn’t he say [cross country with Santa], how did he know that? Spoilers?? And it’s happy ending time. [Turkey cut] Ew. Also more terrible cutting trying to tell a story. That wasn’t us, that’s literally how it cuts the movie, and Santa returns to them randomly. Turns out, THEY’RE the Grandparents! They just weren’t aware of the new dog and house. You seriously telling me they never recognised their own parents dog Diesel, or that Bone and him never met before? What is thisss? And so they react to weak CGI snow, the Dogs are ecstatic to be related to Santa, and that’s the end of the film.
No Amazon, I don’t think I will watch K9 Christmas. This surprise surprise was a TERRIBLE Home Alone film. I mean, let’s just look at the core elements of what was needed. The setup behind the events gives us a big, yet generic new house to explore, with just some christmas props and faulty pipes to use for traps. The circumstance behind being Home Alone comes from just running back home to save a robbery which is slightly new, but not that crazy. The villains are incredibly bad. Both from a dynamic perspective and personality as well as just the acting. Remember the screams and howls of Harry and Marv hilariously reacting to each trap? Those were the good ol’ days. Where did those days go? Not to mention the acting on the dogs allows for so little content for us. There’s all these terrible shots of paws doing human things cause they have to, but there’s no real sense of fear of tension as they act cause they literally can’t emote.
And then there’s the jokes. Fart jokes. Overexplaining. Dragging them out. They’re just AWFUL! And even the visual stuff pales in comparison. Is this supposed to be compared with the chicken moment? Or how’s about the motiffing through the film? What was foreshadowed in the early moments of the film? In the original the whole first half of the movie sets up different props and elements to return, now in a new context. Here, we have the doll, there ARE reindeer props outside, and we get 1 pipe line. Magical. Also the whole element of childlike wonder is lost when your protagonists are dogs with no attachment to freedom of alone time, and even with the jolly puppy nothing really comes across with it beyond being a nuisance.
The traps are terrible, as we’ve already massively seen. They’re practically nonexistent. And what was the messaging of the film? Okay sure, they got that right. Family values, maturing as people-urr, dogs, and brewing relationships, ehhh, kinda. Not really helping a 3rd party about the value of family or friendship though so. Hm. Really, everything pretty much just falls flat on its face. And it’s a shame cause it could have done really well. Talking dogs isn’t ALWAYS a disaster. But here we are. With another Home Alone shambles. You’d have to rework everything to make this work, but I think I’d rather just watch some Mousehunt instead. Something with some real comedians to milk the moment, real slapstick with some genuine creative moments, and a real plotline that comes together and brews something more over time, and hey, the animals actually stay silent in this one. I guess something about the 90s really kept up that magic. The 2020 way now is to reboot the thing on Disney+, so I guess next year we’ll do a Home Alone Is Coming Back video.
Heck, it might even be here next year. Filming started last February but was paused like everything else. And it’s said to bring back Harry, Marv and Buzz and feature a kid stealing from another couple and trying to survive. An odd reverse plot point. We’ll see how it turns out for them. They haven’t got a lot of standards to beat looking at everything. But for now, I guess I’ll just leave it here. My name’s been Dazz, you didn’t really care, and I’ll see you in a biiit!! [OUTRO – They never saved Bubbles. And the Dog Guy never came back. And what happened to the bone trap from the prologue?].