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The British Royal Family – A Daily Show Compilation | The Daily Show


[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] as you may know and as you should know today was a very special day for the queen and no i'm not talking about beyonce i'm talking about the original queen the crown wearing range rover driving 96 year old 5 foot giant whose face has been on money longer than any of us losers have even been alive long live the queen i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry every one of us from the colonies we just get so excited when we talk about the queen yeah they whipped it into us when we were kids it's not my fault where was i oh yes yes queen elizabeth ii has now officially been on the throne for 70 years which means it's time to throw a little party four days of parades and pageantry underway in london this morning to celebrate the historical 70-year reign of queen elizabeth hundreds of thousands gathering outside of buckingham palace tens of millions watching around the world an event filled with royal tradition and ceremony 1500 troops 350 horses this pageantry is the envy of the world at stonehenge they have been showing pictures of the queen from different decades the jubilee's official dessert a seven-layer lemon trifle in honor of the queen's seven decades of service the queen has given us her life really love her she's beautiful the incredible composure of the queen herself standing on that balcony just how glamorous kate looked i mean she is becoming an icon and uh then little prince louie who looked frankly bored and a little unimpressed by the whole thing yeah of course he's bored don't forget he's a prince okay so to him she's not the queen of england in her palace she's just granny in her house with the grandma smell all right it doesn't matter what the spectacle is at the end of the day he is still a little kid at a family party if you want to hold these interests you know what you got to do you got to give them an ipad yeah that's what i do with four year olds whenever i look after them yeah i put youtube on autoplay and then boom they set for like 10 hours straight yeah i'm the world's best babysitter and they come away understanding that bush did 9 11.

but seriously this looked like so much fun four days of parties it's like a burning man when nobody's pretending to be poor they've got 1500 troops hundreds of horses seven layered desserts the only part i i didn't enjoy was when they projected the queen onto stonehenge yeah that felt kind of like an age thing you know it was like hey you two know each other don't you yeah queen say hi to the stone faces and while this extravaganza may seem excessive to people you've got to admit 70 years on the throne is impressive you know in fact it's impressive for any job who else has held onto a job for that long huh i mean if you think about it in fact maybe it's time for the queen to try something new i mean with the skills she's learned at this job you know she could try something else she would be an incredible walmart greeter you know just like plasma screens in l5 she could be a consultant on the next season of bridgeton you know yeah just being like it's not bad but i wish we had this many chocolate hunks in my day yeah or the best for the wall she could be a rapper yeah the queen would be seamless in that you know she's got the bodyguards she's got the bling she just went platinum all she needs now is to start a beef with another monarch yeah you want some of this emperor naruhuto didn't think so [ __ ] [Music] after two days of excruciating waiting the royal baby finally has a name prince harry and meghan markle have announced the name of the newest member of the royal family their son archie harrison mountbatten windsor earlier today the joyous new parents spoke to the press at windsor castle it's magic it's pretty amazing and i mean i have the two best guys in the world so i'm really happy we're just so thrilled to have have our own little bundle of joy and be able to spend some precious times with him as he slowly slowly starts to grow up oh they're so sweet although i i do have to admit this right i always find it weird when people introduce a new baby right because if you think about it such a big contrast between the end products and how it was made you know you know because if we were honest we were really overjoyed to welcome this pure little miracle the result of our sweaty night of of just raw dogging hashtag blessed and it's especially weird because when it's the royals it's big news that they did one of humanity's most basic biological functions but that's what having a baby is just something your body does something humans do it's like it was a front page news story and the headline was just gary farted but uh anyway welcome to the world little archie and i know some people are disappointed by the name archie but there's one person who's super excited the queen yeah because you know for the last nine months she's been like please don't beat jamal please don't beat your mouth please don't beat your mouth please don't beat your mouth [Music] the british royal family they like the kardashians with an occasional beheading now the royal family has had plenty scandals in their time but right now they're going through an unprecedented crisis last week prince harry and meghan markle announced that they're no longer going to be on the family phone plan anymore and so today the queen called everyone together for an emergency royal summit we moved now we just mentioned a couple seconds ago the latest drama surrounding the royals the queen as we speak holding a crisis summit with her family in the wake of prince harry and meghan markle's stunning decision to step back from their role harry and his dad charles and brother william were there and meghan markle reportedly called in from canada yes mcqueen summoned everyone to a private meeting at her royal country house and everyone attended except meghan markle who conference called in and i'll be honest i don't blame megan for not going because nothing good happens when white people invite you to the countryside we all know we've all seen it we've all seen get out we know how this [ __ ] ends and by the way how gangster is it that the queen is 93 years old and still driving herself huh that is so dope 93 years old she's in a range rover like she's in a hip-hop video from the 90s like you could throw some biggie under that clip and it wouldn't look out of place [Music] [Applause] anyway the big question everyone's asking right now is why why would harry and megan want out of a life that so many people dream of having i mean think about it we kiss frogs to try and become royalty huh the only thing i've ever gotten is frog herpes but for harry and megan in particular the reality of being a royal couple has been far from a fairy tale just a few months into their relationship british tabloids descended on them with racially charged headlines and commentary like this one from the deadly male that read harry's girl is almost straight out of compton a british dj has been fired for a controversial tweet about the royal baby the bbc's danny baker posted a photo showing a couple holding hands with a chimpanzee in the caption read royal baby leaves hospital the wife of one of the queen's cousins princess michael of kent wore what's called a black amore broach to the queen's annual christmas lunch with harry and meghan in attendance the jewelry is widely viewed as racist for its depiction of black people wow wearing a black amoled brooch to meet megan's like family you're meeting meghan markle you're meeting everyone else that is next level like i wonder if this woman has a cabinet full of racist broaches for different occasions like who even has that is she just like jeeves i'm off to korea fetch me my necklace of a dog in a frying pan please we're going all the way but this shows you this shows you some of what megan was up against right to her critics you've got to understand megan was everything people didn't want in the royal family she's black she's from the middle class she's a divorcee and worst of all she said the american version of the office is way better and the biggest the biggest culprits of the megan criticism has been the british tabloid press i mean just look at a few of these stories it went viral this weekend like how they covered megan in comparison to kate middleton right direct direct stories when kate was pregnant the daily mail said pregnant kate tenderly cradles her baby bump but when megan did the exact same thing the headline was why can't meghan markle keep her hands off her bump is it pride vanity acting the press did this with everything when kate was pregnant the express said that she was eating avocados for her morning sickness cure but then when megan ate them suddenly megan's beloved avocados were linked to human rights abuse and drought yeah and i mean think about it prince andrew is over here having sleepovers at jeffrey epstein's house and the british press is like meghan markle ordered guacamole so it's it's completely understandable that harry and megan would want to step away from all of this hate in the uk but now everyone is wondering what they'll do to support themselves without any of that royal cash well good news megan's already got herself a job megan the duchess of sussex is reportedly working on a deal to record a voiceover for disney megan and prince harry met with disney ceo at the london premiere of the lion king in july where harry appeared to discuss possible future projects [Music] okay wait prince harry really did that had a movie premiere last year he asked the ceo of disney to hook his wife up with voiceovers and i mean don't get me wrong on the one hand husband goals on the other hand you gotta admit the monarchy has fallen off right no because back in the day it used to be like if you marry my daughter i'll give you burgundy and now it's like my wife actually does a pretty good timon you should hear her come on baby do the thing hakuna matata do the thing and you know what's funny is whenever you see the world's most powerful people talking we always assume that they're talking about important things like climate change or world peace or the next illuminati orgy but it turns out they're all just hustling yeah it's like oh did i mention i started selling fudge take uh my card with my website on it it's billgatesfudge.com but that's where we are right now megan and harry are on their way to a new life the press is losing one of their favorite targets and the queen is so angry about it that she's about to go do some drive-bys [Music] the royal family they like the kardashians but less welcoming to black people it's been a month since harry and megan announced that they wanted to leave the family and now they've been told that they're free to go but they got to leave their name tags behind harry and megan will soon be royals no more at least publicly the duke and duchess of sussex released new details about their plan to step down from formal royal duties including an agreement with the queen to not use the word royal in any future philanthropic or commercial pursuits though they will formally retain their royal highness titles they will no longer be able to use them after the transition takes place on march 31st damn harry and megan are losing their titles that's the most embarrassing royal law since william's hairline but yes the queen has announced that harry and megan can no longer describe themselves as royal and i won't lie if i was harry and megan i'll be like fine then we'll be known as royale it's actually pretty funny how petty the queen is being now because basically you know what she's doing she's trying to turn harry and megan from the official royals to the store brand that's what she's doing like you know how the store brand is kind of like the brand name but just off like slightly like frosted flakes will have tony the tiger but then the store brand is a weird polar bear yeah so then every morning you have to look at the box while you're eating cereal and you're like i wish my mom didn't buy you but i'll be honest i don't think the queen is gonna win this one because it's not like harry and megan need those titles for us to know who they are no one here has names like harry and megan and they're like which harry and megan the ones from nashville is that them [Music] the british royal family aka england's 1200-year genetics experiment when prince harry and meghan markle quit the family business a year ago many people wondered why they would leave an institution with such awesome wealth and prestige but now it looks like they've found something almost as good podcasting britain's prince harry and his wife megan are becoming podcasters in an audio announcement the couple said that they will host and produce podcasts for spotify in conjunction with their company archwell audio spotify says the couple's first podcast will be a holiday special this month featuring stories of hope and compassion to celebrate the new year the first complete series is expected next year yo guys meghan markle has completely flipped the royal family on its head five years ago they were like meghan markle is now the duchess of sussex and must be addressed as such now they're like prince harry is offering 20 of casper mattresses with promo code blue blood 2020 but still guys podcasting i mean it's good to see that even though they've left the royal family harry and megan are carrying on the tradition of not having real jobs now but for real i'm joking man no hate no hate i'm glad that harry is living his best life now and it's gonna be so hilarious when he explains this to the queen so what is it that you do exactly harry what is it that you do exactly grandma ah touche [Music] the british royal family aka the world's number one exporter of black daughters-in-law the royals have gotten a lot of criticism for some old-fashioned racist attitudes but now they're committing to making a major step into the 20th century new this morning in the aftermath of disturbing claims of racism made by the duke and duchess of sussex there are now reports that the royal family will soon appoint a diversity chief yeah it was during an interview with oprah that harry and megan said that an unnamed member of the royal family raised the issue of how dark their child would be potentially a buckingham palace source says that plans had been in the works for a so-called diversity czar prior to the explosive interview okay i think it's great that the royal family is hiring a diversity czar but you guys don't have to pretend that you were already planning on doing this i mean this isn't a family that cares about diversity the queen has been in power for what 70 years and she's only ever had one kind of dog so clearly the royal family could use some help from a diversity czar you know they can teach the queen why it was wrong for the one black spice girl to be called scary you know they can teach her what bbc rarely stands for hell the only thing they don't need to teach the queen is how to dress for black church but the big question is how exactly will the diversity czar carry out all these changes well to find out i'm really excited to announce that we have been granted an exclusive interview with the new diversity czar for the royal family i think we actually have him on now hello hello trevor yeah or should i say hello trevor michael costa you're the queen's diversity stop like how did you get the job prince william and i go way back the windsors used to hire me to lose to him in tennis no i mean i mean you're a white guy like why wouldn't the royal family hire somebody more diverse for the diversity job well you know they thought about it but then people were so angry after the whole archie controversy they just decided to make black people happy and pick a white guy no i don't think that you know whatever okay let's just let's just get into it um uh what is your plan to make the royal family more accepting of diversity well first off trevor people underestimate how diverse the royal family already is you know we have welsh people we have scottish people we have zombies it's a rainbow over here kosta none of those actually count the royal family needs to do a better job of promoting inclusivity among black and brown people way ahead of you trevor and and we've got a great idea for how to do that you see the problem with the british is that too many of them are white so our new idea is for the british to reach out to non-white countries and make them british boom instant diversity costa that sounds like colonization what no no i'm describing partnership britain's partners give britain their diversity and also their raw materials and in return britain will teach them cricket the world's most exciting sport this is a win-win for everyone costa that is definitely colonization you're talking about restarting the british empire look call it whatever you want trevor but the fact is this is the only way the royal family is going to survive now look do you want more seasons of the crown or not all right good luck with your colonization costa thank you i really want to see season five [Music] you

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