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Family Guy Season 9 Ep.10 – Family Guy Full Episode NoCuts 1080p


foreign come on time to get dressed for our Valentine's Day dinner we don't want to be late for a reservation reservation yeah I decided we're going someplace nice this time not like last year when we went to the Outback Steakhouse but it's out as in the gay way we'll get to the specials but first I need to tell you I'm gay the hell you are no waiter or mine is gonna be gay Peter please he's a waiter he's the only way that we have Lois our waiter is dead to us we have to focus all our attention on our Hostess now he just needs a little time Scott I'm finally ready to hear the specials well Happy Valentine's Day Lois let's have a dying marriage side face kiss well I better sit out a can of tuna fish and a cigar for Arthur Valentine I can't wait to see what he brings me uh you want to tell us what the holy hell that was I'm afraid it's something we made up that we finally need to deal with you see years ago when Chris was in preschool [Music] Peter poor Chris didn't get a single Valentine today from any of his classmates what why not apparently he's not well liked some of the kids think he's weird because he takes his shirt off to pee yeah I taught him that that's also called peeing pee pee now no no Chris why no Valentine's hey hey hey stop crying Chris you're gonna you you're gonna get tons of Valentines I am from who um from Arthur Valentine really yeah yeah that's right who's Arthur Valentine only the most magical man ever and he comes every Valentine's Day on on a a purple Vespa to um to bring candy and sweet notes to Children who've managed to not use any swears in the last year he does uh-huh and he has a long beard oh and he's got an eye patch but but not for medical reasons he just likes the look plus he he wears a cat in the hat hat and sometimes a scarf no matter what Lois says because it gives him a youthful Vibe and adds some color to his face we were just trying to cheer Chris up I assumed he'd outgrow it in a few years but Peter it's time we have a talk with Chris we've got to put an end of this author Valentine nonsense I guess you're right well I best be going anyway Donna and I are spending our Valentine's Day in Johnny Cochran pajamas just caressing each other in a very beige bedroom yeah hopefully Bonnie and I'll do a sexy bath night like last year it was amazing she laid out a trail of rose petals and I elbow crawled to the sponge and shower chair I go down to the video store and put my hand on Love Actually at the same time as a woman and I go what about you Brian what are your plans for Valentine's Day what oh uh no real plans I guess yeah looks like Brian's the only guy with nothing going on you can come over to my house Brian I thought you had that whole thing with Bonnie I do but she needs help Lifting me into the shower chair foreign [Music] Tucker our top story today the Quahog River was dyed red in honor of Valentine's Day so if you're looking to do a river murder this could be your window stupid Hallmark holiday anyway oh hey Bry how's your night going I hope Rupert and I haven't been too loud up there [Music] we're gonna go all night just leave me alone Stewie well Brian if you're stuck being a single loser you might as well just embrace it oh yeah well wait a minute what am I thinking chocolate is poisonous to dogs I better stop it [Music] hanging people are trying to have dignified relations oh boy look Arthur Valentine brought me plates and a salt shaker Chris Chris settle down it's actually time your father and I had a talk with you about off of Valentine yeah that's uh that's right um son I'm afraid Arthur Valentine isn't real what not real then who leaves those notes with all the misspellings well first Christian English is a very fluid language we're sorry but you're old enough now to know the truth he he doesn't exist no you're both lying what are we gonna do it seems like there's no getting through to him you know if Chris is this hard to convince we may just have to kill off a valentine what what do you mean maybe we make Chris believe that Arthur Valentine is dead huh well we just might have to hey what's the matter Brian have you fallen and can't get up turns out still using that joke as a felony guess I better not drop the soap that one's the death penalty [Music] you're very lucky we managed to pump your stomach just in time oh thank God I had him pump my stomach too doc what was in there well it's a pretty extensive list I'm gonna need Billy Joel to help me out lots of Legos rubber bands whip shooting Spider-Man and old pet rock and anti-clacked a ton of red Play-Doh colored pencils lots of nickels half a jar of Vlasic pickles banjo strings chicken wings a single bicycle I didn't hold those items they were in my tummy cause they all look yummy didn't poop those items he tried to eat them so you shouldn't feed him wow that was great Billy hey does anyone call you Bill Joel or William Joel uh no does anyone call you Petey Griffin no they don't because I'm an adult which is kind of what I was getting at [Music] who sends a Christmas card to their vet I know it's so lame right and did you see the lady outside with the empty cat carrier ugh cry much yeah yeah I bet she actually thinks that thing loved her hey I'm Brian Shake nice to meet you I'm Ellie what are you in for I got this small cut and they wanted to bandage it so I'd stop chewing the crap out of my foot oh that sucks I love chewing the crap out of my foot I know it's the best but while I was here I also had to get a prescription filled listen I gotta go you want to continue this sometime let me give you my number it's on the back of here it's this got it see you around Brian definitely bye Ellie is this the veterinarian's office no this is the veterinarians I think you want the veterinarians Center next door ah I see it's a confusion this must happen all the time we're ready for the German Shepherd yeah that would be me this is a very confusing Lobby [Music] uh [Music] hey hey you think you could be with me right here in this place oh yeah yeah sorry sorry Stewie it's just I met someone amazing the other day at the vet's office and well she's actually a dog and it's so great dating someone who understands why it's especially important to walk around in a circle many many times before lying down so that's who you were texting with sort of I was just rereading some of the texts I already sent her that's good you're rereading your own texts yeah do you not do that nobody does that foreign Golden Eagle to Red shrew ready for the plan come in retro Peter we did not decide on those names Chris come down here quick I see Arthur Valentine outside I think he's come to say hi really yeah look oh my God hi Arthur I love you so much and I haven't cussed once today dad get the bowl of tuna from under my bed [Music] oh my God he's dead he's dead mission accomplished red shrew over and out huh that looks tasty little walkie-talkie piece [Music] love art hey who's your favorite artist me uh uh you know I really like uh that Jackson Pollock you know I know they're not supposed to be that bright but that was that was pretty genius you know I mean leave it to a pollock to just grab the paint with his hands and just start chucking it everywhere I mean it's great it's pronounced Pollock but Brian you don't have to keep trying so hard to impress me I already really like you you do thanks I I really like you too Ellie truth is I haven't felt this way with anyone in a long time listen I'm really sorry to cut things short but I've got to go I have rehearsal oh what for a play no it's kind of dumb but it's for a dog show oh you're a show dog no wonder you have such a perfectly quaffed anus thank you no thank you it's perfect I mean I kind of I bet every time you go snorkeling on it you have to stop and admire it come on now Brian a lady has to have a few secrets Matt she is something else this must be how Ronald Reagan felt about Nancy Nancy will you make me the happiest man in the world by turning a blind eye to the AIDS crisis and ineffectually trying to warn young people about drugs yes oh yes Ronnie yes if you're too young those are both things she did Peter I'm really worried about Chris the Shaka seeing Arthur Valentine die seems to have really gotten to him I've never seen him so depressed and catatonic well you know in Awakenings Robin Williams tossed a baseball to Robert De Niro and he snapped out of it and caught it maybe we do that Chris you doing okay it's Mom and Dad we thought we'd Awakenings Peter I'm not sure knock it off I never thought Chris would take things so hard I think we went too far by killing off of Valentine we have to bring him back to life why are you serious it's the only thing that'll snap him out of it well maybe but what if I try it with a basketball Awakenings oh God that broke his nose he didn't even Flinch it's bad let's do your thing let's let's twirl some toilet paper up into his nose and then when we'll do your thing [Music] wow thanks again what a nice dinner I'm so lucky to have met you Brian you're such an amazing guide I'd say we're both Lucky oh no no wait don't don't do that wow wow what's the matter oh brutal yeah that's gonna be a terrible car ride man I would hate to beat you and I'm me I'm really sorry Brian it's not that I don't want to kiss you I smell the poop on your breath and that's all I want but my owners made an arrangement with the organizers of the next dog show they paid a lot of money to schedule me to breed with whichever male dog wins the competition what like like breed breed I know it might seem odd to you but this happens in the dog show world I have to have sex with whichever male dog wins whoever that ends up being Mr wheat we're entering a dog show where's Stewie he ate me I ate him he ate Stewie holy holy crap all right Brian now if we're going to get you ready to compete in that dog show we've got a lot of training to cover let's begin by doing some work with the clicker oh yeah I've seen these you click it when you want me to do a trick and then I get a treat so I associate the two no I use it to punctuate my jokes now Brian you've got to roll over and be good on all fours if Nathan Lane can do it so can you okay but maybe we should focus on getting ready for the show well look who wants to be prepared you're a regular beagle Scout wait shouldn't I be the one who clicks if I like the joke you can't just click after everything you say if it's funny I can and so far they've all landed unlike the planes on 9 11.

see no click that one was in poor taste not funny you know I was supposed to be on one of those planes yeah me too [Music] um yes Brian Griffin Brian what are you doing here oh hey you know I you just made dog shows sound so fun the other day I I thought I'd give it a try who knows maybe I'll end up top dog and on top of you thanks Stewie Brian most of these dogs have been training since birth are you sure you're ready for this you bet I am I've never been so prepared I'm a regular beagle Scout that's hilarious Good Luck Brian foreign [Music] listen I've never told anyone this but I killed a jaywalker in 2002.

She looked old but she was only 51 I mean back then that was old to me it's why I always talk and ask questions so much when there's any moment acquired I think about her that's why all mothers do that every mother has killed someone now drink your ginger ale hey hey hey it's Arthur Valentine here to accelerate awkwardly into a bush Arthur Valentine but I saw him die I can only mean one thing he must be a zombie what no no no what ah stop what the hell are you doing I've seen The Walking Dead I have to destroy your brain and then talk about it for the next hour take it easy you're gonna kill me [Music] dad but I don't how do I'm not off of Valentine's son we're so sorry Chris now do you understand there is no Arthur Valentine we never meant to hurt you buddy [Music] Valentine's Day would take on new meaning for Chris in the years to come but he would remember none so bittersweetly is this one this is Joe Swanson signing off Joe your mom died seriously [Music] how you doing you feeling good because this thing is going to come down to the arbitrary whims of whatever elderly volunteers were able to get Transportation here on a Tuesday yeah I hey watch it the hell's his problem careful that's your competition his name is Max he's a four-time winner and kind of a crowd favorite [Applause] Okay who wants to start the dog show who wants to start it yes you all want to start the dog show don't you don't you [Applause] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] do it for the males and as our judges tabulate the results we can now announce our female division the winning [ __ ] for the 10th year in a row is Catherine Heigl thank you thank you no but for real it's that dog Ellie over there [Applause] and our winner in the male division is Brian Griffin yes thank you man thank you for all your help Stewie I really couldn't have done it what the what's going on this this is it it's happening right here right now uh-huh they have to certify the union Brian Stud is ready to mount please turn up the lights what no no the opposite in fact could someone maybe turn on some some Drake or the weekend yeah he's blowing it he can't do it Quagmire what are you doing here oh I have an all-access passed to anything in this town that's sex related offering manual assistance commencing Union okay okay thanks man but yeah no I I got this i got this if you just just give me a second to get like a scenario in my head uh maybe a hot babysitter who needs to pay for college so she can somebody please shut those dogs up this specimen is unable to perform please bring in the boxer foreign but this is what I was trying to tell you I'm sorry too but I see now that you were right I'm just not sure how this could work or or how our relationship could fit into your world hey let's talk I guess this is goodbye I guess it is and I'll always remember you Ellie I promise to name the name puppies after you let's just cross our fingers it's not one of the ones he eats thanks that means a lot okay we're at the part where he bites down on the back of my neck so we should probably wrap this up yep whoa Max's grandfather may have been a horse come on let's just go home okay is this the Romantic ending you were hoping for look that was a tricky situation all right the lights the people watching if it hadn't been for all that trust me I would I would have set her world on fire no way you didn't even start the fire oh no Nazi Reagan preschool Chris nosy Valley young Lewis German guy lots of dogs Arthur Valentine's so we're all together trying to make it better they didn't write an ending but what the heck I still take the check the check the check mom killed the jaywalker we now return to Top Chef Looney Tunes Edition okay Chef bud I was a little disappointed in you this week your dish was just a live rabbit who thought he was taking a bath but I used carrots and celery yes I saw he was scrubbing his back with a long celery stalk Chef Sylvester on the other hand I'm happy to say you're suffering succotash was absolutely delicious thanks hello oh hi Bonnie no I'm not doing anything just sitting here with the baby to screw you too oh hey Brian hey you want to go out and get some gluten-free pizza I'm gluten free now but you know I'm not gonna be annoying about it too late oh we should be gluten-free together oh let's go to Whole Foods and buy a bunch of stuff from that weird aisle nobody else goes down I can't I got plans I'll see you later it's the time desperate right don't answer it's just it's just lately and we used to be Inseparable like Jack and Jill well so then Jack takes these two pails of water and trips and totally falls down the hill yeah hey I got a funny story Jill had a tooth fall out and she swallowed it and then we had to root through her feces to find it and we did and then we took it to the dentist and he put it back in her mouth so I guess we're both klutzes huh why don't you spin another tail crap tooth no my turn again okay Jill's Baron oh good afternoon I'm Tom Tucker some sad news this morning as 38 school children drowned where they're oh excuse me when their school bus hit a patch of ice and drove off a look oh oh what is wrong with me today and drove off a local bridge and now the viral video of the week with over 7 million views for those of you who loved screaming sheep we've got Opera penguin [Music] is it is that it is he gonna do it again no okay so just normal penguin stuff now okay cut back to me but you can't the button broke off all right well a U.S Convoy was ambushed in Kabul this morning so now we're going to have a moment of silence in remembrance oh he does do it again that could be my favorite thing I ever seen what is a penguin is it some kind of bug what you serious so it is a bug hey you know that's what we ought to do we ought to make a viral video all right let's do it awesome oh like I don't know if you're gonna be in it Joe I thought while we filmed we just keep all of our stuff on your lap what the hell are you doing I saw a scary boy doing this and I thought I'd try it all right have fun I'm late late I thought you and I could hang out and maybe watch Lois shush Peter while they watch Nashville maybe another time Stewie there he goes again he's being so standoffish I don't understand we used to be that happy wait a minute Joe and Bonnie never used to spend time together until they had Susie having a baby seems to have made them closer babies save relationships whoa look at you you're flying okay thanks Bonnie next I want to ride a bike that's it Rupert that's how Brian and I are going to improve our relationship we're going to have a baby I say this is my best idea since I robbed a Joseph A Bank three suits for 99 bucks take me to jail all right I want tonight to be perfect I'm gonna lay it all out for Brian why we should have a baby together I don't know I haven't even thought about that why are you so obsessed with circumcision oh hey look you made a little dinner party hi Rupert he wouldn't be joining us get up please sit you uh you okay I'm terrific and that is so sweet of you to ask you really are a natural caregiver aren't you um do you mind not texting sorry sorry just finishing right now almost done they're all finished right right now there thanks so I wanted to talk to you about are you just gonna leave it on the table I won't look at it great so I wanted to you're looking at it ah sorry work it's not work it'll just take a second I normally wouldn't do this but I was already kind of in the middle of something and I just need to quickly respond and there I am finished uh yeah okay just a few more words and done sorry okay so no no I'm not gonna get it then maybe we can take it off the table no just keep going I was thinking we should talk about having it this isn't fun for me watching you text no no this is great yum but I gotta go I have a date this is serious ruperts I'm losing him if we're going to fix this relationship we need a baby and we need it now I'm just going to take a little bit of his DNA and soon we'll be proud parents like Ron Livingston's parents you know our son's a famous actor really what's his name um he's uh he was like the main guy in office space yeah what else uh he has dark hair I don't know was he in Black Hawk Down he was in like at least five seconds in the cities ugh what is his name what is his name is your son Ron Livingston yes God thank God Ron Livingston thank you that has been bugging me all day foreign okay let's see now what are the ingredients to a viral internet video cats yes cats good uh people reacting to watching gross stuff oh yeah cause you're like wow that's gross can I get a soda what no this is like the worst time to ask for a soda unbelievable you know what we should just go out and start filming because I think we're really gonna surprise everyone like Buster Keaton did in his first talking picture here we go I'm moving through the scene and I slammed the door oh no I slammed it too hard and the house is gonna squash me oh it turned out that window was there pause for laughing amazement all right Rupert the fertilization device is complete this will impregnate me with the child that will bring Brian and me back together first I add Brian's hair and saliva and some preschool applications because we are already way behind now I just have to get into the machine and then the machine does whatever it has to do to me in order to successfully impregnate me we do not judge the machine we do not judge Stewie goodbye body you're gonna watch me get pregnant I want to look at you when it happens you watch me [ __ ] [Music] good morning Brian what is that I smell pee yes you do Brian oh my God that thing's positive is Lois pregnant again no Meg is pregnant you're getting warmer what what have you done I think you mean what have we done what Brian we're pregnant oh my God and in 18 years he's going to move away [Music] you're pregnant with our baby how could this even happen simple I took your DNA and inserted it into my temporary uterus through my fertilization device oh my God you're serious people are gonna think I had sex with a male baby and then got him pregnant no thank you for finding a way to make it sound horrible we can't have a baby Stewie is this about money because I have a bit saved we could even use my old crib you use your old crib oh right Stewie you have to get rid of it get rid of it you know why don't you just say it say the word Brian I want to hear you say it abortion abortion you need to get a big fat abortion right this second you can't even say it I think I'm gonna throw up I'll save the cheap theatrics this isn't one of your crappy short stories this is real life Mister so man up you are getting an abortion Stewie I will not our child is growing inside me stop talking like that and I don't even know it's mine how dare you so I'm just some [ __ ] where this [ __ ] is having your baby why would you even do this I thought you'd be happy you have all these amazing qualities and I'm kind of good looking I mean I'm no model but well certainly not a runway model I'd be more cataloged probably you know what why not a runway model why not why am I always apologizing for how good looking I am I'm sick of it I can model in Paris we can take the baby with us we could be that kind of family what do you think is it dead you hit me what what kind of monster Hits a pregnant toddler he lay a finger on me again I'll burn you in your bed could could you do that now please [Music] all right Peter get the camera ready I got a viral internet video that's gonna go straight to the top of the charts hi I'm Joe Swanson and this is 30 impressions in 30 seconds show me the money oh behave good morning Vietnam wait until they get a load of me said the Joker some of these I'm paraphrasing hey I need you to take me to the doctor for my prenatal vitamins I'm not taking you anywhere geez how far along are you I'm not really sure two days six months is a certain amount of guesswork involved in this oh and while I'm pregnant I'm going to need you to change the cat litter we don't have a cat please don't fight me on this oh my back is killing me and I've also been experiencing a little morning sickness it's for the baby it's for the baby foreign you look ridiculous like that not too ridiculous for you to put a baby in me okay Rayleigh and I'm Dr Hartman now before we begin I want you to know the record is just past my watch well it takes two people to break a record you look a little young how old are you uh 13 14 15.

But he didn't force himself on me I wanted it too well that's the important thing that's odd your vagina seems to have a penis and two testicles oh right I oh stay amazed real hard and all that came out ah that explains it could you do that thing where you take some fluid and tell me if it's going to be an imbecile or a cretan oh not to worry there are places where those people can be warehoused but from Strictly eyeballing you I'd say everything looks fine oh that's wonderful now Brian did you have any questions for the doctor yeah are there a lot of stairs in this building we need so much stuff look at how tiny all these clothes are it's so adorable I mean what kind of feet can fit into these shoes your feet that's getting old you know you better get on board with this oh how far along are you eight months you look amazing let me ask you are you leaking because I've been leaking how old are you how old are you you look like you're 40 which means whatever you've got in there is 100 brain damaged all right you have a good day I hated that lady I like these these are good very classy this feels incredibly wrong we're going to want these Brian believe me you can't see my nipples can you they're getting really large and I'm not sure if I'm completely covering them ah you know what we'll see what we see let's get a few candids dad can I get one of your head on the belly oh Dad I just got emotional [Music] okay now people really love that viral video of a monkey forcing that sex act on a frog at the zoo so maybe we can find another frog for something like that maybe like that frog oh that frog in the mini skirt putting a quarter in the Jukebox what's up [Music] when you're too late bingo [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] I'm concerned that frogs have more trouble than she realizes and having such a craving for burgers it's like my body is just craving red meat and mint chip ice cream but only mint chip any other ice cream makes me want to puke isn't that weird yes Stewie that's the one weird thing in all this what are you looking at go push your buttons my husband will kick your ass stop saying I'm your husband oh Brian I need you to take me to the hospital why cause I just broke oh my God it's okay don't panic call the Doula Brian you've got to call the Doula Doula I don't even know what that is it's a divorced woman who knows about lady parts and cheers you on let's go [Music] oh you're gonna have to drive a little faster already going over the speed limits we're too late pull over it's starting to come out of where I'm not sure exactly Brian I'm going to need you to deliver the baby okay can you wait a second while I put a towel down I don't want anything to get on the seats oh no of course our first priority should be to keep the vinyl clean oh God oh God it's coming oh can you see the head I don't know where to look but maybe you should look at the part of me when there's a baby coming out oh how did Murphy Brown make this Look So Easy careful don't get anything on it seats oh God I think another one's coming I don't see it I think it's coming out of my mouth there's more and they're coming out of everywhere Now kill me this hurts too much holy happening I don't know Brian save the placenta you even have a placenta that whatever comes out save it I want to eat it oh God they're crawling all over me how many are there now four five six seven mazel tov [Music] I just put Jack and Rose down for their nap and I'm trying to keep the more attractive ones in this area this is a nightmare I caught two of them trying to eat each other so that's something we need to watch out for look Bry that one looks just like you huh well you know what I guess he does you know I was actually thinking this could be a chance for you to finally make things right what what do you mean well you do have a son that you were never there for this is your opportunity to do things differently ah maybe you're right I suppose I could give it a try there you go oh dick really likes you I like dick haha you like dick his name's not dick you idiot it's Finn oh all right let's check our YouTube channel and see how we're doing boy they just went right after Cleveland didn't they geez that word looks even harsher when it's in all caps wow people really seem to hate everything we put on here it's six and I worked really hard on taking a picture of my shelf every day for a year and then setting the photos to an emotional song look [Music] the way of a girl tonight you look so pretty yes you do Times Square can shine as bright as you I swear it's true yeah so we're uh thinking about shelling the house [Music] hey stop squirming in there this one's bones I'll feel loose I think that one is blind we'll have to get him little sunglasses right because dog had human ears over here doesn't react to anything I say hey hey you okay this one is death we are going to be spending a fortune on schools how are we gonna pay for that no you tell me you're the one who insisted I be a stay-at-home mom I don't even have a job well you better get one and not writing a real job why are you being such a jerk I don't know I'm sorry I just I just feel like once I get the ball to schedule everything will be fine I can't believe we couldn't come up with a viral video we should have just gotten Jimmy Fallon to do any lame thing coming up a white waiter at a Chinese restaurant we'll get you the facts on this bizarre story but first this week's viral video fat kid hustles through crosswalk here it is here's little chubbo pulling up the rear um he's gotta get moving now that's right don't let your chocolate levels get too low can't believe Chris gets 4 million hits just crossing the street I guess we were trying too hard hey I went by your house the other day is your baby pregnant I don't know Lois is in charge of the kids [Music] Stewie this is awful I don't know why anyone would want to be a parent especially the four children four I thought we were down to five yeah the deaf one didn't hear Joe's Lawnmower oh that's really upsetting I can't take this anymore Stewie I'm sorry I gotta get out of here what where are you going stop doing that I need a break all right I I just gotta get away for a couple weeks a couple of weeks leaving me alone with these things the whole point of this was for us to spend more time together what are you talking about the whole point of what well you've been so distant lately I thought if we had a baby it would bring us closer together what I was only distant because you've been so moody lately I thought you needed more space I always want to hang out with you I was only Moody because you were so distant I always want to hang out with you too oh my God so we didn't have to do any of this I I guess not how attached to them are you not at all yeah me either [Music] this is for the best yeah I mean I'm sure they'll be adopted oh God yeah I'm still keeping all the gifts from the baby shower you had a baby shower oh now this makes it real oh oh my goodness that's enough cake for you Mary Beth foreign hurry up Brian I don't want to miss the movie trivia slides before the movie Peter those questions are the easiest most pandering things in the world oh oh Tim Hawks Tim Hawks Forrest Gump I win oh ah good it's starting yeah that's what you say I can never figure out when the hell is Studio logos end and the actual movie begins all right let's see what you got Fox oh I bet that's a sea monster oh that's not the movie that's yeah I think I heard of them here we go movie well now that seems intentionally misleading [Music] someone's coming to town crying out loud all right period movie [Music] oh not a period movie oh this guy's in trouble can't wait to hear his story oh come on hey Brian I drank you snuck in liquor yeah loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me all right I'll uh get in on that hey I already seen this movie let's talk let's talk about other movies we've seen that's an excellent idea I like The Madness of King George well I don't know what that is but the cat from outer space is a solid motion picture oh and I like I like King Ralph because because that's that's the last guy you'd expect to be king of nothing hey shut up hey I'm I'm not the only one talking that that big guy up there on the screen has been talking through the whole movie hey Jerk hey you keep it down oh I don't think he's that he's listening to you let's get him dear diesel I'd like to be able to tell you how I feel about you please get away from him he's a nasty and I know Jews is bad but dams is worse blocking the screen you jerk I don't think you heard me buddy step away from the young lady um all right I am sharing you asked for it oh my god I think I'm a nerdy where am I hey those guys are backwards now get away from it foreign we got a report of a disturbance oh what the hell Peter Joe thank God there's a situation here I'll give a crap I can't bring up problems Mr Griffin and Mr Griffin this chord finds you guilty of creating a public disturbance and destruction of private property and all of this while under the influence of alcohol your honor if you'll just let us explain I've heard all the testimony I'm prepared to hear this court sentences you both to 30 days of Alcoholics Anonymous well your honor in that case I'll have to call my surprise witness Mr Shakopee Mr Shakopee before we begin have you ever been convicted of a felony yes but that [ __ ] had it coming ah okay uh your honor I'm I'm afraid I have to withdraw this witness and I am going to those things you said I have to go to [Music] this sucks can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA you know if you ask me this is going to be a good thing for both of you there's a lesson you need to learn what are you talking about what a lesson I don't need to go to AAA I'm a social Drinker not an alcoholic yeah that's like saying rappers are really poets I'm not saying she's a gold digger but she's not messing with who isn't she messing with foreign hey y'all okay we got us a few new friends here joining us tonight so let's all say us a big hello to Peter and Brian hello Peter and Ryan hi there all right who'd like to kick us off I will um my name is Greg and uh I'm an alcoholic one fateful night I uh got behind the wheel of my brand new sports car a blind drunk I was responsible for the death of an innocent eight-year-old girl what kind what what kind of car you said he had a sports car that's cool but what kind it was a Miata oh come on that's not a sports car how does that even kill a kid would you hit her over the head would it that's a legitimate sports car nope next Jenny would you like to talk my name is Jenny and I'm an alcoholic geez anybody here in any other line of work hi Jenny before I found A.A my ex-boyfriend and I used to get drunk and party all night I have the time one morning I woke up naked with three Persians high-fiving each other on the way out of my bedroom but now that I've joined the program I'm a whole different person and my two new cats clean and sober just think I'm tops that's wonderful Jenny all right Peter do you have a story that you'd like to share oh yeah I got one this one time me and Joe and Quagmire made a bet to see who could drink the most beer and still drive and you know that water slide in South Attleboro foreign Peter it sounds to me like alcohol is a very destructive influence in your life you need to relinquish your dependence and give yourself over to a higher power you have a different view Brian oh I don't know are we allowed to have a different view Brian a a is the only way out for these people millions are saved every year by the program hey people got along just fine for thousands of years without AA just like they got along for thousands of years without religion I like you and have no reason not to I like you and have no reason not to hey did you hear about that magic baby that was born in Bethlehem foreign [Music] how was your meeting 29 more and we're done that's how it was well that doesn't sound like the right attitude Lois you weren't there it was awful there's a bunch of losers telling boring stories my drinking ruined my marriage my drinking ruined my family my drinking ruined my TV show 24.

I see you got your own thing going on this week but there's a new teacher at preschool who deactivates the camera and then hits us Brian aa's been around for years it's helped a lot of people get over their addiction no it hasn't they've just traded one addiction for another their life goes from being all about drinking to being all about AAA the only difference is when it's all about drinking they're more fun well like it or not you gotta stick it out for 30 days you know what sucks Brian we don't got a problem when I drink and it's everybody else who's got a problem without drinking wait a minute Peter that's it the issue isn't that these people are alcoholics they just have nowhere to drink without being judged she slams us into the monkey balls but none of us have the language skills to call her on it and then this one time I was so drunk I gave someone a back adjustment I'm not a chiropractor you gotta go to a weekend of school for that hey hey anyone in the House addicted to alcohol hi hello Peter I enjoy alcohol I can't hear you hello I have a very serious problem Mr Griffin alcohol is forbidden in our maintenance look just just hear me out I sat here and listen to your bums the other day and I I gotta tell you I have never seen a dull a bunch of pathetic bastards in my life I don't know who you were when you were drinking but it sure as hell's got to be better than who you are When You're Sober yeah you all stopped drinking because you were hurting your loved ones but you can't hurt them if they don't know you're drunk let's make this our sanctuary that wants me that beer [Applause] attention patrol cars we've got a noise complaint at the Quahog Community Center is anyone in the area wait a minute that's where Peter's AAA meeting is so I flicked on it and the girls got a bigger Wing than I got no no way right so I did it so I just put my thumb over it and then and that got me through the rest of of the of the session all right everybody you know what to do alcoholics transform [Music] all right what the hell is going on in here we got a noise complaint Peter's about to start we are gathered here again tonight fellow AAA members to talk about the greatest Temptation the devil ever created alcohol Mr boys Mr Bush Mr B double o z you will wind up wearing cat shoes if you mess with me [Music] [Music] [Applause] well then cleanse yourself my son cleanse yourself one time I took a library book out and I failed asleep reading it and I left it under the bed I forgot about it for three and a half years I was gonna take it back on amnesty day but on Amnesty Day I had a sip of rose wine and I never made it out of the house who's to blame me [Music] if your head feels like it's two miles wide and that's why you'll feel better once you've testified [Music] I want to testify I want to testify welcome forward dear brother and testify I used to be a soda pop guy then I switched to the bottle now I don't leave my couch and I've seen every movie ever you name a movie I've seen it Meet Dave Cena the Eiger sanctioned saying it Donovan's Reed seeing it license to drive definitely seen it that's a shame his name is [Music] testify testify this man wants to testify very well my brother let us lead him on the path of righteousness this poor gentleman used to speak in Long eloquent sentences but after years of drinking he can only speak in short choppy utterances why at one time if you asked him who his favorite musicians were he'd say Leonard Bernstein Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart but thanks to that old devil Hooch it's all changed who's your favorite musician Ollie sure he doesn't even like Cher now alcohol makes a big man small and can lead to a life of crime [Applause] you're a basket case flat on your face and there's only one guy to blame boys [Music] [Applause] [Music] don't mess with B Double o z e cause that spells booze and you're gonna lose with me Mr boo don't mess around [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] wow you guys I'm impressed that you're taking your sentence so seriously and I know that the court will be happy to hear this too now if you'll just keep it down so I don't get any more complaints sure no problem Joe thanks for stopping by [Applause] so what do you say guys should we take this party to Denny's and hang out with the cast of The High School play nah I think I'm just gonna go home all right you okay to drive all right I'll be fine I crank the heat roll up the windows and blast the lullaby Channel I'll be fine all right take it easy all right you're too get out of here hey like your jeans thanks and what size are you yeah I don't think we're the same size yeah we'll figure it out tomorrow come on Brian you're ready to go home uh no Peter I'm gonna I'm gonna meet Jenny's cats what are you talking about you hate cats I'm going to meet her cats yes all right okay all right you have to get all cat hey cat dog right you're a cat dog a cat dog cat dog life was excited with another cat dog hey you know where's all the poop go when a cat when a in a cat dog when a cat poops what does it come out of that dog's mouth and vice versa oh God all right that's some kind of live in hell that's some that's some kind of living hell Brian okay I gotta go yeah you have a good time with Jenny [Applause] cat dog what if they what if they want to marry different people you got a lawsuit on your hands that's what what happened all right all right let's get some music going on in here where's the lullaby Channel [Music] breathe softly blows for a lullaby baby [Music] please be Rosie O'Donnell please be Rosie O'Donnell please be Rosie O'Donnell wait is it hey hey fatty wake up [Music] what happened you're dead jackass you died in a drunk driving accident oh God did I hold on to the touchdown pass what the what's wrong with you you know what I was so drunk my ghost is drunk look I've been told I can give you another chance but there's some things we have to do first what are you talking about I'm talking about you understanding alcohol just a little bit better Peter I'm gonna show you where your life is headed if you keep drinking as much as you do foreign [Music] Peter here we are everything looks fine all right family line up for cigar Burns ah now wait a minute who are you I'm your other son mccobba here for moist cigar burn good sir there we go and get out of here you stupid laughing cry after I cry what's the difference everything what's this it's just a bathroom at my work that's right and there you are in the stall with your boss Angela what oh my God Angela that was that was so that felt so good all I want to do is please you Griffin well that was a good idea you had a duck in your hand in the toilet oh my God I wouldn't have sex with Angela she's disgusting not when you're drunk she's not all right death I get it I wish I'd never touched a drop of alcohol in my life never touched a drop huh well guess what I'm gonna show you that too okay get ready for this hey hey gang everybody line up for a Triple H a hug a handshake or a high five your call Lois hug you got it Stewie hug two in a row try for three Chris up no high five well that's okay high fives great too Meg back to the hug all right hugs may win it today and we close with a handshake and all in time for my big bike ride announcement who the [ __ ] is this chick it's you Peter alcohol free [Music] and look there's Joe and Quagmire and let's have a drink with him you've never touched a drop Peter you don't even know those guys those are your friends over there hey do you guys mind keeping it down we're trying to have a conversation here some people gee whiz those your friends Philip Ernest and Jonathan do I at least call him John no he prefers Jonathan ah what are those guys you know I've started taking a buffering baby aspirin every day it's improved my heart one heck of a heap I'll tell you that pardon my French this is even worse than the other one I mean it's cool I know French but death this ain't me what am I supposed to do if I'm a drunk I'm a jerk and if I'm sober I'm a douche exactly Peter it's called moderation you don't have to give up the booze cold turkey you just have to be responsible with it you members of the human race have the ability to send a man to the moon and make Justin Long a movie star with that kind of willpower don't you think you can learn to put the bottle down just sometimes we did it with Justin Long didn't we America I said no but we kept at it alright death I'll try [Music] well we're home 30 days of sobriety and we can finally drink again oh for God's sake Peter didn't you learn anything from this yes I did Lois these are going in the garbage but these I'm keeping for myself moderation Lois wow Peter I never thought I'd see the day good for you from now on half of every six-pack I buy is going in the trash foreign how come we're the only animals with poo that's white I know what the hell right we're not we're not eating white stuff hey you want something good just look for the containers that say KFC on them there's always something good guys sorry I'm late I was watching The Muppet Show with Stewie it's time to play the music it's time to light the light it's time to make the Muppets out of my picture tonight what's that from it's time to put on makeup it's time to dress up right to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight why do we always come here I guess we'll never know it's like some kind of torture to have to watch the show but now let's get things started why don't you get things started it's time to get things started [Music] did you guys just make that up fellas I want to introduce you to my fiance Rachel she's a wonderful woman and she's Madeleine Albright's niece oh pleasure to meet you Rachel no if you want to shake hands put a sheet over that thing I know it's last minute but we got a great deal I canceled by mitzvahs.com and you're all invited to our wedding this Thursday I can't go in New Orleans by myself I have to bring my family ah New Orleans combining the luck of Puerto Rico with the mosquitoes of Haiti foreign did you hear what I said max I said I can't wait to get up on a balcony and I heard you feels a little humid wait what's that [Music] oh every morning from seven to ten we serve a complimentary breakfast complimentary breakfast imagine the possibilities [Music] wow can I get you a cup of coffee coffee imagine the possibilities [Music] wow it's time to swim in coffee it's time to flood a kick how did that Muppet Show and get in my head [Music] oh yeah it was playing when we inceptioned the bride and groom have written their own vows oh no Rachel I love you and today we merge Our lives our hearts and our fraudulent home businesses more may my plantar fasciitis act like the roots for our tree of love we will reshape our lives together just as socks reshape my calves daily I am so happy to be merging the napkins in my pockets with the napkins in your pockets Rachel with you by my side there is no Christmas display that I can't sue the city over I vow to keep you nourished by filling our home with the worst wine in the world and preparing potatoes and applesauce just like nobody and I vow to Adorn our walls with only Brown art from the 70s we're two peas in a pod we just go together you are the plastic covering to my furniture and you are the little spit bubble in the corner of my mouth Mort You Are My Forever person oh may we continue to have no respect for other drivers on the road and view stop signs as suggestions and Rachel You Are My Forever person oh and may my dead ex-wife's uncle's Netflix account continue to be fruitful to us for many years to come Mort do you take Rachel to be your wife in sickness and in sickness I Jew and Rachel do you take Mort to be your husband in bad times and bad I do too Stewie what's going on with you I just found all that very moving really yes I had no idea marriage could be that beautiful there really is somebody for everybody even Helen Keller had her tailor one hundred dollars please blind and deaf lady [Music] always nice coming back to your own house huh this isn't your house it's my dad's I have a package for Stewie Griffin they just starting or ending smack dab in the middle oh dude brutal well welcome to the back nine [Music] I can't believe this worked I'm Stewie I'm going to be your husband zlata with such each other's forever people Brian I'd like you to meet my fiance that I ordered from the Ukraine the soon to be zlata Griffin is that is there a dead body in there yeah they send two in case one dies shiva's sister looks like her arm was nod off babe you don't have to eat people we got food [Music] um Stewie this is crazy you can't marry that woman you don't even know her I know she can disassemble and reassemble a rifle in 15 seconds how does that matter I know it's adorable that she thinks we're gonna see Whoopi Goldberg everywhere we go Stewie I hear Whoopi Goldberg out here Z and Brian my two favorites I don't even Solana what why would you marry a baby in my country everyone I know blows up she wanted to leave I had 200 bucks boom we're each other's forever people are there any more options for breakfast mom bread without whole walnuts in it yuck what's going on with you two well it's just Hotel living got us accustomed to having multiple breakfast options yeah we're like when astronauts come back from space and can't fit back in with Society but with breakfasts well I'd advise you Space Cadets to come back to earth because I'm only making one thing okay Mike did you hear what I said I said I'd advise you Space Cadets to come back to earth because yeah I heard you you know there is a Best Western in Quahog well yeah but don't we need a room key to get breakfast you mean like this one oh you dog grab your coat we're going to the Best Western I don't need my coat it's hot get your coat now [Music] that's the GateKeeper we just show it a key and we get free food yep just keep it simple now if asked we're brothers from Sweden same mom different Dad we shouldn't it the same dad different mom no no the sweets have a very long fertility window Chris trust me on this remember big accent hey guys FYI breakfast is closing in five minutes yeah we're throwing a crush our cover story is working I'm looking for a pair of half Brothers with different fathers from Finland hello hello it's done this is why sweet and Chris never Finland I'll never doubt you again good now grab a yogurt that's way smaller than you knew they made yogurts and you grab an orange juice that doesn't taste like orange juice but like someone described the taste of orange juice to an alien foreign [Music] I better get going have good day at work husband Dave you're too good to me I just left my car in Stall four perfect I can take it from here okay great and I apologize but my son threw up in the back okay it's no problem we can clean that up for you thanks you're the best hey Levi we got a back seat vomit number Levi Levi Levi foreign so I'm really sorry but I threw up all over the front seat not a problem thanks man late for a flight Levi Levi Levi hey I accidentally barfed in my car they told me I could leave it here yeah I'll clean it thanks I gotta catch my flight foreign [Music] this one looks good the second cheapest one I'd actually recommend that first cab there sound good I love cab that second cheapest one sounds great too we'll take that one indulge me in one more work story so last week I put this nice family in a Sonata those are supposed to be great cars actually uh yeah they're not great they're okay anyway he says he'll fill the car up before he brings it back he opts out of buying our gas which is like 10 percent of less than anywhere in town that's right babe but that's his prerogative as Mitch says Mitch is my manager so fast forward to this morning I get the car back I check the tank three quarters full Quahog we have a problem Stewie you're so funny it's from a movie anyway that's 150 markup turns out he was late for a flight and figured it's worth it to eat the nine bucks so yeah a Wednesday I won't soon be forgetting one check fine 15 I'll miss the rest on this [Music] I like them hmm Aaron and Shawna they're nice I like them yeah it's comfortable going out with people in the same socio-economic class as us you know I mean I love the Burtons but I don't really like to go to dinner parties and Apartments Apartment no worse than room in-house you're having a lot of those tonight I think there's a new This Is Us babe no I'll show what's Kate up to this week losing weight with Toby maybe why you not have sex with me no I know I totally want to it's just it's our show you know we watch show later and we sleep when there's just only so many hours in the day you know no more putting off sex now wait wait wait black men in glasses yes yes it's a Sterling Brown Episode I like black men in glasses [Music] okay now we don't have a room key for this hotel so Follow My Lead they didn't even ask at the last place yeah but we had one and we carried our shelves with key card confidence so what's the plan let's try hello got it good morning how may I help you hello good morning I'm staying here with my son the Guinness record holder for longest hello we were just wondering where's your breakfast buffet just through those doors thank you foreign what is it nothing it's just job is so cool [Music] foreign my God Chris look the crown jewel of Hotel breakfasts the sweets at the point at the Quahog at the harbor at the Promenade at the goofy squirrel I'm not a part of a sign but I am a little nutty that's our next Target I don't like it I hear that breakfast buffet is like Fort Knox I'll figure out a weigh-in after all I snuck into Brian's singer's birthday party [Music] excuse me how old are you not of legal age anywhere in the world have fun tell whoever you want weirdly no one cares about this [Music] hey is Stewie around no he's still at work cool cool uh can you just let him know I stopped by you can stay and wait for him yeah I know I'm just I'm just late for my thing I hear you are a famous writer I want to talk your book I have the sunny water bottle full of Rite Aid vodka I could chat for a second every damn Wednesday sorry I'm so late babe Levi no show it again [Music] uh Hey Stewie Ryan what the hell that's my wife man get off her Stewie wait I can explain what's there to explain Brian you hello Levi where you've been man look I already gave you a verbal warning so I'm gonna have to write you up levite don't call me that don't don't use that word stop using that word I already warned you about calling me that at the last staff meeting okay now that's strike two Levi I can too give strikes Mitch said I can give strikes don't call Mitch that listen I can't talk about this right now my dog is banging my wife I'm not gonna write him up he's the only one strong enough to change the water jugs look Stewie I'm sorry I honestly didn't think you'd care it's not like you're having sex with her I know right once they say I do they don't Stewie don't be mad don't be don't be mad I'm driving all over New England picking up Rigs and scrubbing up holsters so I can take you to nice places and you're in bed with my friend pitching woo I'll show you what happens to guys who touch my wife with this Mike mustaka signature bet geez they're getting rather loosey-goosey with signature bets ah silly play ball Stewie wait a boy and his dog you play doctor with my wife Bry you show her yours she show you hers those are private parts we don't touch private parts did you kiss butts did you cry I kiss butts with a lot of people but Stewie I'm sorry I guess I just got carried away in the moment well I'm getting a little carried away right now a bad one to miss on right there do I even need to ask have you had your cooties shot Stewie come on answer me man circle circle dot dot now I've got the cooties shot you well Dad we did it we sure did Chris what did we do again he passed him a note what's it say okay it's okay just let them keep talking he'll mess up why is he getting up why is he getting up he's on the move [Music] what do you got I got nothing are you kidding me they never did catch my dad but I wasn't so lucky that's breakfast ladies I was sentenced to 12 to 15 years for hotel breakfast crime but I wouldn't snitch on the old man hey give me that oatmeal in the end Dad figured out a way we could keep eating breakfast together we just had to kill a guard or two actually we had to kill a bunch of guards it was bad it became a so-so Netflix documentary that Mort and Rachel were able to watch with his dead wife's uncle's password [Music] why Always we come only here babe when when you find gold you don't then like go looking for silver Stewie why are we here look Brian you're my best friend zalata you're my wife mistakes have been made but we need to move forward we all agree on that so you forgive me well I've been thinking about this situation and I have a proposal for you I want you to sleep with my wife again what I want you to have no Thai's sex with my wife but that's it if you think for one second that you're gonna take her to a museum sink again you'll blew that chance um I'm talking like right when you're done bonan you're gone stew man comes in for the cuddles stew man cleans up wet spots you don't get to do that not after what you did uh I'm a little confused look together we're kind of the perfect husband while you're banging her I'm walking with a shoebox full of our receipts to H R Block so you just want the crappy parts of marriage my friend we have a very different idea of what that is I'm serious if I catch you pulling one hair tie from her Jean's pocket before you do laundry I'll break your arm man okay Stewie I guess I'm in just one thing well set I'm gonna need some more breadsticks Macaroni Grill come arrange your cup holding agreement here [Music] hey Stewie where's zelada it's over she left I'm boxing up her underwear she would just take him off and kick them into the corner of the room hey Stewie hey Doug oh I heard about Splitsville that's why I prefer the bachelor life just me my big wheel and a doll I draw private parts on I hear you I like to put rocks in cups Stewie you can't really do that with some gnat buzzing in your ear do you shake the cup not sure what else you do with rocks in a cup God he's so cool I hate it well there's only one thing left for me to do you can take this job and surprise [Music] yes yes thank you oh you don't know how much I needed this today you're all right Griffin Levi Fred stop using that word [Music] oh my God Brian I went to a baby rave last night dropped a Flintstones chewable it was a purple Betty I was flying I was up to like like I don't even know how late like when I came home The Mentalist was still on like that's how late morning family anyone needs me I'll be out in the yard using my new riding mower a riding mower for God's sake stop making all these frivolous purchases you just blew all that money hiring that English to Raccoon translator don't need a translator for that one tell him to come back when he's ready to act like an adult hey what's up Quagmire oh there's the sound of the birds I thought they all disappeared because all I could hear was a lawnmower oh and what's that the wind and the trees good that still exists what are you doing there planting some flowers hey look why don't you go bother Joe huh I can't he's in Vegas for the weekend seeing that handicapped share impressionated time if I could find a way yeah we all want to turn back time this is the biggest city Novation I've ever seen damn it where the hell did I put that what are you looking for Brian that steak bone you gave me last night I can't remember what the hell I did with it didn't you bring it outside [Music] holy crap Quagmire you all right no I'm not all right my head's gushing blood you idiot take your hand away oh boy all right hold still Quagmire oh my God a piece of your brain came out yeah well that can't be good well maybe it's not so bad I can feed it to my Pet Zombie there you go yeah you're hungry aren't you he was a rescue when I found him he was just walking face first into a chain link fence downtown [Music] there we are all finished look at this look what happened well by the laws of Comedy you and I have to be roommates now that's hilarious doc all right here we go now I'm going to prescribe a course of antibiotics and some painkillers and hey Elmer hey she sucks okay Quagmire before we get your prescription let's grab some bandages God this is such an East Coast Pharmacy how are we gonna find gauze and bandages in the middle of all this crap I think he keeps him next to the Thousand piece puzzle of a lobster trap I don't see it you mean next to the Kadima paddles or next to the basic black sweatshirt with no writing on it no I think they're over there between the rain ponchos and the cap guns and just below the balsa wood gliders and the net bag of flip-flops and a beach pail above the set of jacks yes above the Jacks and the bicentennial playing cards and across from the giant cage with the beach balls next to the Wiffle ball bats and the spark spitting cars I don't oh next to the wax bottles of weird juice yes behind the plastic bag of Mexican soldiers from the Alamo and the super elastic bubble plastic oh yeah I got them hey Mort how's it going oh it's awful Peter why what's the matter the pharmacy is going under I can barely pay my bills I can't even afford the real Pharmacy music that's just me up there listen if this is it please let me know if this ain't love you better just say so if this is it they say I've got Jewish honey in my voice Jewish honey is mucus but I thought you made a lot of money here I used to but it's all gone downhill since Muriel died she could get away with overcharging people because they were always mentally undressing her and then redressing her once they saw the horrible mess underneath but in that interval she robbed them blind [Music] oh well look Gap I don't know maybe there's something we can do to help you drum up some business you know get the word out like what hey you just leave that to us [Music] is opening and closing the cash register a bunch of times helping business yet no okay then we'll do other stuff okay more now if you want to get more customers in your Pharmacy you're going to have to do a promotion like like buy one get one free what buy one get one free huh buy one yeah I get that get one free is that like a Spanish word no it's English the whole thing's English oh because it seems like you're saying the first part in English and then some kind of made up of a lumpulum for something in the second part I don't understand you all right let me try explaining it another way let's say we're at someone else's store and there's a sign and it says buy one get one free get one free 25 minutes oh I'm really sorry Miss Dumont we'll have that feel for you right away guys what the hell's going on back there remember each pill has to go into the correct bottle yeah this ain't so hard all right I got a wicked boner this was a great idea Peter we fly this thing over Providence it's bound to get people into the pharmacy that's right bringing the shitty folk with their big money and their long cigarettes and their dogs with shoes hey check it out we got a giggity over there on the 32nd Floor I'm gonna go in for a closer look oh that wag my look out [Music] okay that was a close one yeah but at least nobody got hurt Goldman's pharmacy now that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog [Music] good evening Quahog Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising Banner which caused a school bus to plummet into the patuxet river that's right Joyce quahog's own Goldman's Pharmacy made headlines across the country after a banner of theirs caused the bus to drive off a bridge tragically killing all the teenagers on board many of the students tweeted about the accident as it was happening we have a few here from at Jenny 94 water seriously cold yo here's at the Ted 69.

I'm gonna survive this LOL JK JK indeed oh God I'm ruined nobody's ever gonna shop in my Pharmacy again I'm gonna lose every what I feel terrible about this I wish there was some way we could fix it you know my cousin had the same problem but he lucked out because his business burnt to the ground the insurance made him a very rich man too bad we can't just torch the pharmacy oh come on no we can't do that that'd be like stealing from the insurance companies it wouldn't be right oh dear bastards last year after I lost my beloved Muriel our life insurance company refused to pay on her policy they took what should have been a pleasant experience and made it into an ordeal well that doesn't totally surprise me a friend of mine staying in my house got um injured and my homeowner's insurance wouldn't pay her doctor bills said the policy didn't cover an active rod yeah come to think of it they wouldn't even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we went to visit the Museum of staircases and spring-loaded boxing gloves yeah you know they don't seem to pay out on anything no not at all right I mean come on well and I say screwed up bastards let's burn the place down what Peter we're talking about a major crime here this is not smuggling oriental women into the country in steel cans this is a serious felony Quagmire this whole mess was our fault we got to make it right and look as long as nobody sees this and we don't tell anybody then we're in a clear well I guess I did kind of destroy your business more all right then let's do it tomorrow night good I'm just gonna have to reschedule my weekly recircumcision so what are we doing today a little off the top yeah but leave a little up front so I have something to play with sounds good and take a look at the back you see that there yeah yeah let's trim that I don't know when that started but let's get rid of that foreign listen up this is a very flammable mixture that's also undetectable if we put it on the electric box and two of the outlets then light them all at once it'll look like a short circuit he's more how the hell do you know how to do all this oh it's all covered in the Torah right after the chapter on writing complete letters that will result in compensatory merchandise dear stuffed shirts at Ritz crackers a chain is only as strong as its weakest link just as a box of crackers is only as appealing as its least intact sleeve I am paying for fully formed crackers Not Butter crumbles I don't buy your product with broken quarters don't stick me with broken pieces of cracker you miserable dicks regards Mort Goldman again foreign let's get to work [Music] oh my God we did it hey Peter what are you gonna tell Lois when she asks where you were tonight don't worry I got it all covered [Music] this is awesome and Peter has no idea [Music] well Mr Goldman we've ruled out Foul Play it looks like it was just a case of faulty wiring well you're still gonna have to buy something this is Rubble not a library okay well I'm sorry for your loss but the good news is your insurance will be covering all of your damages you hear what he said fellas looks like we pulled it off yeah for now I still got a bad feeling he's gonna find something I just know it well you're relaxed we got an iron-clad alibi we were all singing The Beatles live at The Ed Sullivan Show foreign I rode a bike here all right guys all we got to do now is keep a low profile and not mention a word it is to anybody not even the police that's right not a word to anyone nobody lips are sealed I want to tell somebody Peter you shut your mouth hey Mort are you I was really sorry to hear about the pharmacy oh thank you Joe I was very very sorry too yeah Joe the insurance guy said it was an accident yeah you seemed pretty smart his shirt was tucked in so I bet he went to Harvard well you're my friend Mort I want you to know that I'm going to personally go over all the evidence I'd hate to think there's someone in town who's out to get you Hey Joe they said it was an accident roll away no I'm just saying as your friend I wouldn't feel right unless I left no stone unturned geez Joe Let It Go yeah Joe even RoboCop took a day off once in a while foreign I don't like Joe sticking his nose into this maybe this was all a big mistake damn right it was why did I ever agree to do this this isn't who I am I looked in the mirror this morning and it was like I was looking at a man I'd never seen before hi Scott Bakula just take it easy Quagmire there's nothing to worry about hey it's Joe open up yeah Hey Joe what's going on oh hey I forgot about you guys souvenirs from my trip to Vegas they're t-shirts that say I lost my shirt in lost wages laughs I think maybe you should keep them all right I'll see you guys later I gotta go see the forensics team about the pharmacy don't you worry Mort we'll get to the bottom of this I like this you guys this is bad Joe's gonna find out I just know it she's Quagmire you need to relax and I know how to help Calgon take him away [Music] this is worse Peter relax this is supposed to be your time this is the right way to deal with your problems all right guys if Joe really is nosing around I think I know how to get him off the case once and for all hello officer Swanson this is the chief of police I'm afraid you're fired oh apparently there was a mistake forget I called guys I gotta become chief of police by next week Chief this just came in for you from officer Swanson a Starbucks gift card this has been an unproductive use of my time okay I got it Joe can't investigate if he's distracted right well what's more distracting than texts about dinner plans hmm let's burn ignition patterns aren't consistent with an electrical fire would love to probably about seven or seven thirty any of those places would be fine God no way I don't know probably just a colored shirt and jeans have you never been to a restaurant before oh he's getting annoyed look at that he sure is okay now tell him you want a vegan place oh my God he's so pissed he's calling well answer it no no I'm gonna send it to voicemail then call him back but pocket dial him while I walk a few blocks hit her hit her hello I'm getting very little work done [Music] you guys I just can't take this anymore I've been giving it a lot of thought and I think we all just need to confess what now just hold on Quagmire if you start Yabba to the cops we're gonna rot in prison for the next 30 Years evening gentlemen Joe glad I found you here I had a question for you guys did any of you happen to be at Mort's Pharmacy on the night of the fire no none of us were I'm triplets could have been one of my triplets I see well then it's kind of peculiar that I would find this a pocket dial voicemail from Peter on the night of the fire oh my God look at that fire we started Quagmire and Mort you know who I don't miss is Joe that's a piece of evidence that hurts all of us you three are under arrest for burning down Goldman's Pharmacy well the pocket dial giveth and the pocket dial taketh away you'll never take me alive aren't you gonna run I would but I don't want my gym teacher to laugh at me he's been following me around since junior high watch this watch this Jewish kid run [Music] first I have to read you the Miranda rights for Jewish people you have the right to remain silent even though you won't you have the right to infer an insult where none was intended what's that supposed to mean you have the right to a lawyer who you are probably related to this what were you doing the night of March 8th your mother come on man that's not cool oh yeah maybe this is cool enough for you [Music] it's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me oh yeah and there's more where that came from ah no there isn't where were you the night of the fire I was at the movies what did you say no strings attached how was it sucked okay that checks out boy that Ashton Kutcher sure was a cat in that movie wasn't he yeah totally wrong he had a heart of gold you're going down your husband's in here ma'am Lois you know going on Mort's Pharmacy hi Lois hi look Lois we were just trying to help more Peter how could have a family did you ever stop to think about us before you did something that could send you a way to prison for once could you visit me in jail and not criticize me wait a minute this isn't Carvel you lying [ __ ] all right that's enough visiting time is over you know you guys are gonna do time for this come on Joe you're really gonna put us away you think I want to do this you know how hard it's gonna be for me to make new friends hey do you think Chris is old enough to be my friend old enough yes but I wouldn't block down that alley you'll frighten him he thinks you're a Transformer that broke halfway through I get that a lot I understand look Mort was in trouble we were just trying to help him out well insurance fraud is not the way to help somebody out listen Joe insurance agencies are all scumbags they deserve to get hurt you don't decide that what you did is against the law it's easy for you Joe you don't know what it's like to be screwed over by an insurance company oh I don't do I well let me tell you a little story it was hours after my accident I was barely conscious on the operating table but I'll never forget the phone call that changed my life hello I'm calling on behalf of your policyholder Joe Swanson he's badly injured his spine well there's a new procedure that if administered immediately should restore his ability to walk two hundred thousand dollars we also have a wheelchair sixty dollars okay they're going with B those sons of [ __ ] made it about money yeah Joe so what do you say they didn't care about you why should you care about them the thing is you guys committed a crime and I've still got the evidence to prove it too bad I lost it was yet was that supposed to mean something yeah I'm letting you guys go oh oh well that's great yeah I didn't get that either yeah why didn't you just say that I'm starting to regret erasing that message too late buttface have a great summer Joe Peter I don't understand how they just let you out of jail yeah Joe had all kinds of evidence against you guys seems like a huge miscarriage of Justice I thought if you do something wrong you're supposed to get punished oh Chris not if you're white well now that I've wrapped things up with you guys I better wrap things up with my basement family well did you guys learn your lesson about eating uncooked antelope foreign [Music] even though we just walked in and this whole place is one hallway let's consult the map okay uh oh I bet we can find you some new clothes in here hey Lois are you sure this place is for men yes Peter it's for everyone really because this this kind of looks like a dress peanut it's fine come on out up your Gable hang on Peter I'm gonna go look for a couple things for me in here I'll be right back okay Lois I'll be right here standing uncomfortably close to the unnecessary piano player in the middle of the mall so what's it like now that you've made it did you ever have a bank account full of pedestrians disinterested Smiles you're amazing I'm gonna ship Indian style on top of your piano right that would Express how much hatred I have in my heart you talk like a book hey Lois how about we try Sears they got good stuff Peanut nobody's been in Sears for decades oh come on when I was a boy we always used to go clothes shopping at Sears trust me they'll have everything I need [Music] what the hell happened here look out [Applause] he wants to know who you are we seek clothes for the cold times he says he'll take you to the close for herbs and meat well we can probably come up with some herbs and meat right Peter PETA I'm with them now no girls allowed [Music] what the hell why won't this button it's the same size I always get maybe you put on a few pounds sweetie oh I weigh the same 293 pounds today that I weighed in grade school perhaps it's this lump on the side of your neck sir oh my God Peter how long have you had that thing I I don't know we gotta go see Dr hotman right away oh my God what if it's something serious it's all right it's all right we'll be in good hands with Dr Hardman he handled my reassignment surgery I think emotion comfortable finally in my leathery scaly skin kids if you need me I'll be on the wall making rapid dieting glances is this just to get out of my parents visit no hello [Music] no you're stupid oh hello Griffins what can I help you with today Dr Hartman Peter has a huge lump growing on his neck Mrs Griffin that's called a head I've been fooled by that one before but will you take a look at it I think it might be a Tomah okay let's have a look oh yes it appears that there is a great rack by the way thank you well thank Grandma Griffin really it appears you have a subcutaneous vestigial twin growing on your neck what is that well it's an incomplete twin that never developed into a fully formed person but still exists as a growth feeding off your body now hold still I'm just going to give you a little topical anesthetic and we'll have a closer look hi everybody huh what the hell is that oh my God it's a little me well looks as if he's more fully formed than we thought wow you're life is gorgeous is that a foot almost this is awesome finally I'll have an interesting silhouette for the beginning of my spoken word jazz my poem at home we now return to Quantum creep Al what year is it 1972.

Cool I'm gonna go show my penis to some kids hey Dad how'd it go to the hospital kids remember how when you were little you always wanted a neck Uncle no well no you got one this is my vestigial twin I named him chip you know like chip off the old neck I like to poke him because it makes him happy and I feel it a little bit in my nedge well keep that freakish thing on the wraps I don't want to crap in my style while I'm macking on toddlers see you around [ __ ] you know Lois a lot of times you go into someone's house and it's just a house but you can tell this is a home by all the love here ah Peter this seems unnatural and quite frankly dangerous hey you must be the owner of that Prius outside thanks for saving the world he gets it he gets what we Prius owners are trying to do wow the world is such a cool place there's so much I want to do and see are you all kinds of cool stuff my Hot Wheels my lawn dots even my new musket you know what the hell are you doing what was I thought I heard a noise downstairs go stall them for 20 minutes and pray that it's not too damp in here foreign how do you know so many songs oh when you're trapped under a layer of fat a muffled folk song is like Manna From Heaven give me a c Michael wrote about ashore hallelujah hallelujah sister helped to trim the sail sister help to trim the shell Hallelujah yeah sister helped to trim stop run no Peter gently stroke his snout counterclockwise wow it's working this is a universal language for All Creatures and it's called love now how about that River Jordan River Jordan is deep and wide Hallelujah milk and honey on the other side [Music] good morning boys what's in store for today well I thought we'd start with a vigorous power walk around the neighborhood well whoa why I was thinking we would just watch Dr Oz and eat cold cuts off our stomach those people ain't taking good care of themselves what what three of the Garment District a little chip slow down all right you know just because everything's new to you doesn't mean you have to do it all at once Peter where's your sense of fun and Adventure you're starting to sound like a stick in the mud well that stuff sounds exhausting I'm just being honest like George Washington George did you chop down our cherry tree I cannot tell a lie yes and what is this pamphlet I found under your bed called the Boston he party not mine foreign than 11 o'clock A.M on a Wednesday you already have two days of hard work under your belt and there's so much more work to come look I'm trying to get this stuff done here Griffin did you finish those purchasing reports oh that voice it's like good sneezing what the hell is this they found a guy on my neck hello there I've never met a supervisor supermodel before do you like crab there's a knockout Crab Place railage of the local food scene to get this woman to go to bed with me well now we know I can taste what he eats [Music] oh it's just a tennis match so this is tennis wow wow wow wow wow wow 15 love that was just one point Federer and Hastings are known for their long rallies Federer to serve wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow 50 no and this is just the first game of the first round of a three-week tournament yeah hey this is more painful than sitting through those parent-teacher cheetah meetings so in short your kids are all doing great keep reading to them every night and I think we're gonna have a great year so unless there are any questions thank you all for coming uh yeah I noticed the hot lunch menu doesn't feature any gazelle I'll bring that up to the board yeah see I I heard that last year and here we are again listen Doc is there any way you can have this thing on my neck removed well Mr Griffin your organs and his are intertwined on the other hand if you live I'll let you pick any prize off that shelf even the tiny pinball machine oh that that shouldn't have been up there look doc you gotta do the procedure all right I don't care if I die I mean maybe in my next life I'll come back as an airbag or something foreign don't you worry everything's gonna be all right is my wife okay no the ski boots that was in the back flew up and chopped your head off you can turn your blinker off now it's very annoying [Music] nurse have somebody fix that clock it's very distracting all right let's get this started all right halfway done time for a break [Music] who little to understand look at him over there playing that board game ah three okay one two sorry sorry the board game that teaches you to be a dick Dr Hartman is ever with my dad Griffins I'm afraid we lost him what what oh my God hey guys oh there he is it worked I'm free at last but what about chip where's Chip hey everybody look who's walking shut up oh chip I'm so glad you're okay yeah and I'm okay too so uh you know chip now that you're a free man this is a chance for you to go out and make a real life for yourself someplace tell you what any way you want to go I'll FedEx you what are you talking about Peter chip is part of our family he's staying with us what yay hey hey Dad yeah I'm done can you pick me up oh that's okay I have a book oh hey Peter Lois where's the couch ship redecorated the room to improve the feng shui he said our old furniture was blocking the flow of energy I had my life's fart Savings in that couch and where are the drapes chip took them to make play clothes for the children what all right Peter you're home hi Dad hi Daddy we dug a lake for this come out of that water at once gosh isn't chip wonderful oh he's not wonderful Lois he's annoying I don't get why everyone's so in love with that guy what's so great about him well to be honest the same thing that you used to be so great about you what what are you talking about just that when you were younger you were as passionate and full of life as him hey boys catch me if you can oh crap I didn't realize they had bikes what are they gonna do when they catch me oh boy I got a back of the head Punch coming I just know it [Music] seems today that all you see what the hell and sex on TV but where it goes good old-fashioned values what the hell is going on here you're singing that song without me oh sorry Peter we couldn't find you do you want to sing your part Peter go ahead but where are their fashion good fish I don't wanna [Applause] hell you guys remind me again chip is that African kid you adopted no that was chocolate chip we gave them back to Kenya but I can't take it anymore I gotta get rid of them well what are you gonna do I don't know yet but I'll come up with something after all I'm the guy who invented Choose Your Own Adventure or have pie in bed I picked the pie again oh hey welcome back to the Mikey Tony magnanimous hour where real people get magnanimous about real things this week's real thing hey Native Americans if I saw you on the street begging I'd throw a buck in your moccasin next week's magnanimous thing I'm wearing this yellow bracelet you're welcome it's a dingo I named him Bingo if you can't have fun with that you're crazy hey Peter well what's that oh he's gonna turn you into a pile on Joe's lawn what yeah let's play State catch yeah I got it hey back to you Peter oh cool stay catch I'm gonna use my one stake in the pants timeout no not me hey um it's 3 P.M should I give up on breakfast yeah Brian browser history clear it that Dingle was meant to eat me wasn't it why would you do that because my life was fine before you showed up I've been doing new stuff look I never asked to grow out of you Nick my life was better before I met you too you're a terrible brother husband and father I'm out of here and you could go to hell wow what a nice day out look at the rainbow I get it he's gone just as easy as the creation of techno music wait a minute what key are we in no no no no no no none of that oh hey Peter where's Chip I haven't seen him all day he likes to yell out good luck after they read each lottery number he's gone I threw him out you what new you know how could you what are y'all coming down on me for make throws away people who come out of a body all the time nobody says nothing Peter chip was a part of our family and he's so little he can get hurt out there on his own we gotta go find him we should look for him in the ball pit at McDonald's you can just leave me there I'll conduct the search Max right come on kids let's go find chip and bring him back you guys do whatever you want I got stuff to do anyway I gotta get ready for my bar mitzvah Baruch and I I want fancy things like my friend Ephraim I want the newest 10-speed bicycle that I will ride once but then I will call my parents and have them come get me I want to swim in the pool but only with my shirt on when I was 16.

[Music] crap I'm out of beer great I have to walk down these stairs the one day I wore heels oh son of a [ __ ] I think I broke my leg there's no way I'm gonna make it back up those stairs nope it's me ship listen I'm sorry for the mean things I said help Peter holy smokes Peter are you okay these books was already down here I'm not a nerd oh my God we gotta get this wig set and get you to the hospital oh cool that's the place with all the Ghostbusters cars [Music] if you'd only done that while you were here we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for chip here you might have lost your leg the bad news is we did an x-ray and your body is full of a spooky skeleton man gosh chip I don't know how to thank you no problem Peter you would have done the same thing for me you know chip Lois was right about you you are special you got all a sense of wonder that I somehow lost I got so used to watching TV and looking for tiny Gene fibers in my nuts I forgot there's a whole world out there to experience thank you for showing me that as far as I'm concerned you're a permanent part of our family now well that sure is nice of you Peter but there's a big old world out there go out and experience experience it for myself well I'm sorry to see you go but I understand oh I'm gonna miss you chip I'm too tough to cry but I'm gonna miss you too safe travels buddy keep in touch I will wait goodbye come back soon okay but chip never did come back he became the new Young funny kid on ABC's the middle

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