[Music] ah it's so exciting to be back at the Halloween Carnival yep thanks to the vaccines we can all get back to doing the things we hate oh for God's sakes Peter I am so tired of you not making an effort to be a part of this family Lois I drove us here I bought the tickets I'm sadly shuffling through this place with you what more do you want well I don't know I want you to act like you're happy to be with your family every now and again look I'm doing the best I can but I gotta tell you whoa careful oh and there's my boss even better hey Preston what's with the hat this is my Halloween costume I'm dressed as 1990s comedian Paul Shore you mean Paulie Shore perhaps in less formal circumstances you may recall he borrowed heavily buddy and grindage I don't think this costume is working neither is Paulie shawl oh that looks scary the house of unskippable podcast adds thrilling conclusion of murder at the South Pole I'd like to tell you about untucked shirts I'm hitting skip ahead but it's not doing anything last weekend I was at a barbecue and thought what's with all this excess fabric at the bottom of my shirt again a clearly fake personal story the big game was on the boob tube but the biggest touchdown was the perfect length of my friend's premium made affordably priced shirt literally no one talks like that so I went right home and binged untuck it on my Microsoft Surface is this a promotion within a promotion untuckit shirts we weren't here for Kevin James but we're here now all right gang as a mom who planned a family activity I'm gonna put wild pressure on you guys to say you're having a good time Chris honey are you are you having a good time okay I'm gonna need a verbal response yeah oh good Chris is having a good time meg Mega you're having a good time just like your brother I guess okay great wow very good I see everyone had a good time would you like to spin the wheel of mom prizes foreign to Mom you wish to belittle oh thank you but you know Bonnie needs this more than I do I have Rejuvenation only made things worse filmography that's next door to Witchcraft and down the hall from David blanery I do not care for his roses yeah stop being such a wuss let's go [Music] Michael Sarah hologram is a weird choice oh the real me I'm just kind of translucent oh hello Hollywood yes I would like to star in an action movie franchise that's not a Bluetooth he just stuck a Tootsie Roll in his ear wow these Holograms are the most amazing thing I've ever seen and I've seen like a really big horse hologram Laboratory would you like to see here is that a yes yes just say that then this machine scans your data then creates a virtual hard light version of you that can physically interact with the world that sounds kind of bogus there's a science check out on that they used it on Star Trek you got a problem with Star Trek okay take it easy I accept your explanation we all should it's Halloween you can command them to perform any human task no matter how mean you'll so you're saying I can have something that looks exactly like me seem like it's enjoying spending time with its family precisely can I have it I'm afraid not it's my only one maybe there are other arrangements we can make boy this is the first button-down shirt that looks great untucked it's an untuck IT what's their secret oh they just make sure it's a tiny bit shorter genius [Music] man this machine is complicated I hope I can figure it out here goes nothing choosing the hollow maker 9000 please input personal characteristics do they have to be true I have no way of knowing what is true and what is not such is life in the post Donald Trump era leave the satire to Garrison Keila okay time for some statements about myself that are definitely not lies let's see I'm a black belt in karate I can cook an eight course French meal I always enter cars through the window because doors ain't the boss of me and I'm great at remembering names just ask my friends Joel Clemson and QuickTime foreign [Music] [Music] I am hologram Peter Griffin how may I be of service come upstairs I need you to put the two small slip covers I'm a hard degree grillos yeah you can start by handling that I would be happy to help your family with whatever they need all right sweet if this works out I'll have more time for those Q Anon rallies watching an email so it must be true [Applause] ah Peter there you are listen our honest opinion of every garment [Music] perfect I love working as a team to reduce clutter okay first my seven up yours t-shirt that was the most provocative thing ever put on television at the time you have to keep that okay great uh now my Skinny Girl Margarita t-shirt Bethenny Frankel gave me after she hit Chris with her car that's a fun story keep great okay under the seat studio audience Poncho from the Meredith Vieira show maybe it's time to say goodbye to miss Vieira oh man this is going great crap I'm stuck let me call my eye hole painting guy hey it's Peter Griffin yep trapped in the painting again I know I know well can you just look up my account no I don't have my ID number no I can't get my ID number because I'm trapped in the painting I'm sorry I I'm mad at your company not you you're fine okay yesterday worked out great so here's some more dumb family stuff I want you to do for me Teach Stewie what sound the cow makes it's moo quack is duck get opiates from John yeah I'll give you John's number tell me what you mean got it now that you're doing all that I'm going to the clan with the guys oh man this hologram thing is the best idea since the Mayflower hired a cruise director okay everyone from eight until nine we'll be trembling before our Angry God from nine to ten there's yellow fever on the Lido deck and at 10 it's everybody's favorite Buckle hat Bingo what if we lost our Buckle hat well do you have a plain hat yeah do you have a belt yeah you got a buckle hat I just love knowing what's going on [Music] clearing out an area an aristotic Garden yeah they say the best day to plant a garden is yesterday and the next best day is today this this is what I meant about making an effort with the family and I can garden too because I have a brown thumb that's more of a wiping issue son but I'm glad you're here this is great but I'm a little hot no problem that's why I bought a giant sun hat that can fit all of us and now to quote the kitchen towel let us turnip the beat better I'm gonna wet myself me too I always wet my plants they're all from towels Lois well what do you think guys should we wrap it up yeah but can one of you throw glitter on me it's it's better if Lois thinks I'm at a strip club she hates you guys Peter I think you're a little too drunk to walk home yeah give us your shoes can we give you a ride no no it's okay I'll just black out and never know how I got home works every time and it's good for the environment Maybe boy they look pretty happy and they're singing Halloween carols the perfect rhyme don't be racist with your costume ah that was fun and now that we're just about done with Halloween maybe it's time to start right in the family Christmas letter ah Peter that's a great idea yeah good luck pal our Christmas letter always runs a ground because our family has no accomplishments all right we need some highlights from our year um I got suspended for setting up a tent in my Spanish teacher's front yards becoming quite the Outdoorsman and has found a true Mentor in Senora Diaz I was trying to snag a bagel from the school dumpster and got accidentally hoisted into the garbage truck this was the year Meg caught the travel bug Stewie's first pony ride ended after he blew out his diaper all over the horse's back Stewie pooped on a horse oh Pop where's my Razzle Dazzle and Lois celebrated her 29th birthday this year what the hell Lois isn't 29.
Oh I see what he's doing that's very funny what the hell no one kisses my wife except begrudgingly me it's time for hologram Peter to go back inside the machine where he came from I'll be back in a minute don't pray without me give me that you're not the only one who can do things for this family can you can you pick that up listen I appreciate you covering for me but I can take it from here don't be silly I've got them all taken care of go have fun I thought this was going to be a good idea and and these last few hours have been great you've been gone three days but I'm ready to go back to my family okay you're the boss the Hologram machine is in the basement let's head down there together and sort this out foreign I left it right over here as Peter lost Consciousness he finally saw the Folly of his hologram misadventure also going forward I'd appreciate a bit more warning before having to narrate even just a few minutes to finish whatever it is I'm doing sir you're supposed to buy something if you want to use a restaurant well what's the cheapest thing you got probably a near the register cookie well put me down for one of those [Music] why what happened I knocked you out and tied you up why because they're my family now well a joke's on you when you first got here I sent a letter to the FBI because I knew something like this might happen is it bad it's better than the last one you should put it up on the FBI fridge next to his drawing of Shrek what nothing it's not supposed to be Shrek it's supposed to be the Hulk but that's funny you don't deserve your family I care about them way more than you ever did well deck of burial plots because Lois likes to be on top who taught Chris to whisper black out of respect for black me and once I finish you they'll be all mine Peter can you come upstairs and tell me if this gray chicken smells funny be right up babe oh man this is worse than [Music] wait what are we supposed to do in this cutaway I don't know I didn't understand the setup well we have to do something um I mean you do have a long neck and I have fangs maybe something in that area uh maybe we just wait to hear what the grown men who write for cartoon say [Music] cream number 99 and cream 100.
Okay I'm ready for bed well we had meatloaf tonight so I guess I'm in for a dutch oven what's a dutch oven Peter what why is that dental floss in this trash can because I just flushed death Creeps in through the gums you know um Peter I I need to go downstairs I I left the lay mix the kitchen floor I love you Joey wake up we gotta go Chris come on we gotta go Meg can you drag the trash to the curb tomorrow before nine we won't be here [Music] thanks for telling us that whole back story on the way down the stairs mom yeah no we don't have to waste time hearing about how a hologram of Peter replaced the real Peter although I don't know why we had to hear about Bonnie not inviting you to Rose game night well I just thought it was weird because it was my idea [Music] ah going somewhere family [Laughter] I didn't want to have to tie you up I did everything for you and people think Holograms don't have feelings well we don't and then I watched one episode of This Is Us and now I'm all feelings don't mention this is awesome right now I'm gonna cry save your crocodile tears none of you appreciated me and if I can't have you no one will I hate this is us let my family go I'm impressed a hacksaw inside through my hands why didn't you saw through the ropes hacksaw hindsight is 20 20 Lois the important thing is I stitched my hands back on with Twizzlers all right fat guy fight rules we grab at each other's shirts until we're out of breath and then a three minute break got it should we just take a three minute break now agree it turned into a pudding break wait wait wait wait wait wait wait I didn't get to lick the lid now for the final download everything in your mind foreign [Music] joke's on you there's nothing in there [Music] guys dad needs help [Music] we have to Short Circuit the Hologram can't anyone shoot lightning from their fingers I can but I have to be very angry [Music] wait rubbing my feet on the carpet I may be able to generate enough static electricity to do the job Stewie that's a great idea what can I do to help I need something to get my feet going can you sing I Got Rhythm uh I uh can I can I just say Dada for the words I don't know we have no choice wait wait wait wait wait wait we're starting with the dadas already you don't know I got rhythm it's in the name okay I got it got it got it I got da da Rhythm you said that the first time okay now I'm starting to get angry yeah I'll do it myself I got rhythm Tada music oh the expert when I go through the title at least it's working quick everyone hold hands we have to reach Peter [Music] we can't reach him Lois use your toe just do it we won't look [Music] [Music] head that's usually my line but whatever [Music] you saved us Peter yeah glad you thought of it hate this place of course I did I love you guys and from now on I'll try to be half as good as hologram me was Albert don't you see Peta the Hologram was you he was just the best version of you you can get there it'll just take work no the deal was I promise to be half as good as a fake thing all right just do that no promises well Peter I'm glad you're safe and everything's back to normal yeah me too and you know what I've realized how much I missed you guys what do you say we turn off that TV and do something as a family damn it he created another hologram I'll get my feet started Brian little Camptown Races you got it da da lady sing this song I just gave you the title sorry uh Camptown ladies sing this song it's Duda at least I got one of them a second one we now return to Star Trek 2 the Wrath of Khan edited for goats [Music] Lois I need twenty eight thousand dollars for what I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant what do you know about sushi I don't care about this Sushi I just want to yell at customers when they walk in the door either here comes a black guy Peter you're not getting money for that or anything else we're running seriously low on cash right now in fact I may have to get my own full-time job geez we really living that close to the edge you know we are Brian why do you think we waited so long to take you to the groomers last month hey isn't it time for me to get a haircut oh no I think you just got one are you sure because I feel like my nails are really long yeah yeah I'll check but I'm pretty sure it's not for another couple of weeks what day is this like it or not we're gonna have to start living on a strict budget for a while good evening I'm Tom Tucker and this is news I thought you were gonna sing with me Joyce okay all right top story tonight the Rhode Island state lottery has climbed to a record 150 million dollar jackpot that's right Tom Powerball fever has officially gripped Quahog we sent Channel 5 News Asian correspondent Trisha Takanawa around town to get the public reaction Mayor West what do you plan to do if you win the lottery well I'd finally splurge and buy myself one of those fancy four-piece suits I'd like to join your country club I assume that won't be a problem and how about you every Persian guy in the world white BMW Lay It Go Lois that's the answer right there we'll just win the lottery in fact I'm gonna go buy my win and take it right now Tina what's wrong it's uh nothing I'm just gonna wait a minute there's teenagers in skinny jeans out there everyone I got big news we are gonna be rich oh my God Peter there are thousands of lottery tickets here where did you get the money for all these simple I took out a second mortgage on a house what Peter this is idiotic your odds of winning are like a hundred million to one don't you know the lottery is just a tax on stupid people would you be saying that if the prize was 150 million bags at a neighbor's garbage but it's not I mean I mean is it that is an unrealistic unfair question Peter is right how can you be so irresponsible you take these tickets back right now no way Lois we're gonna win I got lots of good karma built up from doing those Uso shows so apparently they found a weapon of mass destruction my putter all right boys go get them over there and now please welcome Mr Bruce Jenner [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] just wanted to remind you fellas what you're all Fighting For [Applause] okay this is it you guys they're gonna announce the winning lottery numbers time for the Griffin family to meet its Destiny when we lose I'm getting a divorce understood we're here live in our studio where a checkout girl in a cheap dress who wants to be a model is ready to draw the winning numbers that's a three honey turn it around 31 that's a zero Snowman eight 44.
17. no that's oh yes that is 17. she's good at 17. well folks those are our winning numbers good luck to all of us 24. no that's it we're done anyone watching do not count 24. pancakes pancakes okay I don't know what she's doing now somebody turned the machine off Nikki Nikki that's good that's good go wait in my car all right you did good gonna take her to Walt's roast beef all right kids we got 200 000 lottery tickets we gotta check all right how do you want to do this a static shot of the house where night turns into day or a montage song that over explains what we're doing um that second one sounds like it could be funny chicken lottery tickets looking at the numbers and seeing if they match the ones on the news if they do then we're winners if they don't then we put them in the designated pile for tickets we already checked this is taking forever that's why Brian is yawning and Stewie's rubbing his eyes the Montage is almost over that's why the music and the vocals are fading out right now now well that's it three days wasted looking through 200 000 lottery tickets those weren't the lottery tickets that was a test these are the lottery tickets is this another test yes these aren't the real lottery tickets either these are the real lottery tickets so in addition to buying two hundred thousand lottery tickets you had four hundred thousand fake ones printed up I had to be sure oh my God we won what let me see that yes we won the lottery I'm getting a penis Butler sir all right bottle my penis this is awesome now that we're rich our lives are gonna be so much better you sure it was such a good idea to catch that Lottery check it seems foolish to have all this money lying around oh you'd rather have it down at the bank where the Jewish guys can leer at it yeah [Music] hello did you blow all your money yet no Daddy all right call me when you blow all your money love you bye all right so how are we going to spend our winnings I'm gonna get some Supermarket fried chicken and eat it until I'm nauseous I'm gonna finally get my gal that do dad she's been wanting I'm gonna get a floor mirror to squat over and see what's making all that noise okay everybody just calm down we're not gonna go crazy spending on women's and we're not gonna let this money change us what are you talking about this money is our ticket to the good life starting now I just bought a giant room full of gold coins and I'm gonna dive into it like Scrooge McDuck ah it's not a liquid it's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard floor-like surface ah [Music] foreign I quit my job Lois you what yeah we're rich now I don't need to be working oh you should have been here Lois I told Angela what she could do with that job just like I always fantasized Angela I just want to thank you for several extremely pleasurable years working for this corporation uh certain unexpected developments have created a situation where I am no longer in need of employment I would be remiss however if I did not extend my gratitude to you for your unwavering fairness and belief in me and there is a giant poo on your desk hey Horace another round for everybody gosh Peter if you're really being generous with your money hey what's your point of being rich if you can't share it with your pals huh okay wait I got one who would you rather do Susan Boyle or a sex doll that's been passed around a fraternity well have they been cleaning the doll please these guys are betas they're total animals hey I got one Peter what would you rather do tread water where you are right now or increase your net worth five-fold within the next 18 months huh what what are you talking about well my friend Marty is a whiz with chemistry and he says he's come up with a new penis enlargement pill and if we can bankroll them a hundred thousand dollars in startup money he'll triple our investment in the year well uh gee I I don't Peter I've taken the liberty of mocking up some sales projections wow that's pretty good and this would be our net profits yikes you know Peter uh Bonnie's birthday is coming up and I'll be called darned if I didn't go ahead and promise her that Stevie Nicks would come to our house and sing three songs to her boy do I got a big mouth huh hey yeah if you're gonna open your mouth with the message stick to kisses yeah [Laughter] so what do you say Peter can you help us out of course I can you dope repairs right there you go hey Horace give us three shots of your best bourbon and have that Russian waiter I like bring it over here [Music] [Music] la la la la la la la la la boy you wouldn't guess from that smile that all his kids were stillborn huh all right well thanks again Peter I gotta head out I told my mother I'd visit her in the hospital yeah and I gotta work I'm flying a leg to Minneapolis tonight oh yeah I I understand you've got other things to do I just wrote you guys a couple of checks but no you you do your things what no I mean I'm just saying I thought friends hang out do things with each other you know especially when one friend gives the other friends a whole bunch of money oh well I guess I could stick around yeah and I guess the co-pilot can fly the plane she's a woman and passengers are usually okay with that I once saw a deodorant commercial that had a woman pilot that's more like it from now on we're all gonna do whatever I want to do because I'm the one with the dope okay I guess that's fair good because what I want to do is stay here get drunk and watch TV we now return to Michael McDonald during allergy season hmm oh hot you hey Peter you wanted me to watch the entire first season of True Blood and come show you where there was boob that's right I don't want to see any actual True Blood just boom yeah well I found some no Anna Paquin boob does not count as real boob that's like looking at a 12 year old Joe you should definitely know that sorry Peter sorry doesn't show me nipples worth seeing and as for you Anna you're Dreadful and so is the program I didn't write it yeah but you know the people who do that Alan Ball you know him right yeah how come everything he writes is so dreary I don't know tell him to cheer up things ain't so bad this is a weird episode okay Quagmire I want you to take the first bite out of this fudge pop because that first bite is the one that really hurts well okay oh oh yeah that's right ow now you swallow that don't you dare spit that out what's the difference you got what you wanted I said swallow it now smear what's left of it on your face and look at me with your mouth open look at yourself you filthy [ __ ] I don't even want this now okay guys now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of making Whoopi while I shoot you with this BB gun that doesn't sound safe action another ride [Music] look you're not gonna shoot us in the eye are you Peter oh no Joe I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye a lot of shoes we're throwing shoes here it was really close to my eye relax Joe I'm nowhere near your eye Hey Joe open your eye what the hell Peter you shot him in the eye keep singing you and keep your chin up so I can see your throat no no screw this you're a jerk jerk what kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money go to hell Peter we don't need your money and we don't need friends like you yeah we're out of here fine go on I don't care I don't need you I got money you know Peter you used to be a great guy but ever since you won that Lottery come on Joe this guy ah I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof come right in [Music] oh my God what the hell are you wearing it's a solid gold tuxedo Lois I had to fight three rappers down at the nine Cent Store for this look Peter this is not who we are I'm worried the money is changing this family and not the way you hoped well I was hoping it would make you shut up so you're right you know I spoke to Bonnie this morning and she said you haven't talked to Joe a quagmire in two weeks who cares I don't need Quagmire and I certainly don't need Joe I got money Joe that's a good one money Joe I don't like what this money is doing to us it's even affecting Brian and Stewie I think I'm gonna take a nap but here yeah I had a giant mobile put in the sky so I can sleep wherever I want oh this is nice I hope that bear comes around soon that's sort of my favorite Oh look The Bear and it's not just them Chris has also been developing some very expensive tastes model glue sir well what do we have today today we have a recent vintage procured just this morning from Michael's hobby shop yes that's very nice bring me my finest rag your fancy rag sir you are relieved for the evening you don't see poor people doing this Lois don't you understand we don't got any of our old problems anymore we don't have to worry about paying bills we don't have to worry about saving dough all we gotta do is enjoy ourselves interested oh my [Music] oh my diamonds ah the bloodiest the two kids who found it were forced to murder each other oh you want to watch a DVD of the murder while we do it I already watched it eight times so I know exactly which part I want to blame at Chris Meg now that I'm a rich father you will try to impress me and I will remain distant go um say Dad did I tell you I got second place in the yacht race sounds like somebody's dad is happier than me right now well um how about this Dad the school paper's doing a story about me that's because I had it arranged uh I was thinking about joining the Army no Meg as a girl your life holds no merit and Chris try as you may you will never be as good as your older brother who died he was good at sports and talking now pardon me while I look at scrimshaw through a magnifying glass ah brave manhole lost sons of New Bedford that's good scrimshaw Harrington every single day yes it's nice to eat in a sea of white faces isn't it wait um have the chef prepare a bucket of your finest caviar and then give it a helicopter tour of the city very good sir very good indeed I hope it enjoys it as much as that main lobster I ordered and over there is the Rhode Island state house the second largest self-supporting marble dome in North America what am I doing this I could have just said I did it so about your bill oh don't worry Carstairs there's ample gratuity on there for you well actually sir your card has been declined oh really well I'm sure a brief call to my accountant we'll resolve this to our mutual satisfaction hello schnozzenstein this is Peter Griffin there seems to be some issue with our credit I told Carstairs you'd said everything straight what do you mean I'm broke what about all that money I sent to the game and Islands they did what with it no I don't want it back I'm gonna miss you okay stash I shall miss you too sir with no one to look after Carstairs fell into a deep depression from which he never emerged he died two weeks later some say of a broken heart what sir but that was casters [Music] seems like our only hope is the lottery holy we won twice and we're right back here again we had 150 million dollars and we blew through it in a month yeah but on a bright side if this hadn't happened we never would have met Kyle hey hello hey and that's not even Kyle Peter we can't live like this what are we supposed to do Lois everything we had is gone we have friends Peter not anymore we don't they're good people they'll listen and they'll care what happens to us even after everything that's happened you know I'm still young enough you can drop me at the fire station no questions asked [Music] well well look who it is who is it it's me Peter I'm standing right here this is a glass eye Peter they had to remove the one you shot oh boy that whole day was a mess huh what happened to you anyway you look terrible look you guys I messed up bad winning the lottery was the worst thing that ever happened to me and my family I thought being rich would solve all my problems but all it did was make me forget what was important I call my real friends yeah I don't expect you to forgive me but if for some reason you do you can find me in a cardboard box on the corner of meeting in Fair wait that corner is a bit of a hike for me I'd rather just come see you at home it is kind of money the penis enlargement pill you gave me the startup money for it turned a pretty nice profit unless it's only fair that I give you my percentage so you can get your house back Quagmire I don't know what to say thank you you're welcome and if it makes you feel better it was money well spent just ask Sandra the waitress over there we had a great time last night tough girl made it into work well I gotta say it's good to be home yeah despite all the ups and downs things fingerly we're not worse off then we went and you can't put a price on that look Lois we all know what happened we're all depressed all right now let's just go to different rooms and stare blankly out the window saying nothing foreign [Music] happy birthday dog sorry I spaced on your name at the party store have a good one Brent thanks for having us Peter I don't recall inviting Kevin but sure his name you remember I think it's ridiculous to have a party for a dog why spend money on something he can't even comprehend this ball is nuts hey happy birthday Brian Bonnie and I got you a big stick wow thank you I'm gonna take it into the kitchen and I don't foresee having any issues with that foreign okay I can make this work think Brent think uh Joe isn't that the same stick we gave you for your wedding you told me it was a magic wand I pointed it at a bus the bus crashed that's all I'm saying happy birthday Brian I got you a card on the front it says too much sex ruins your eyesight and on the inside it says happy birthday but all blurry oh I gave it away It also says love Aunt Judy and Uncle Bob a joke that God doesn't celebrate just one birthday well fellas I'm off Old Joe's got a big Stakeout this week so I'm gonna practice by watching the party from across the street those who doubt the wands power suffer the wands wrath Leviticus 26 12.
was anybody gonna wake me up for the party it's 6 30 I went down at noon now I'm gonna be up all night watching Bad reality TV we now return to Uber driver Ninja Warrior [Music] foreign first he's got a swing on the gold chains across the cologne bath without dropping his e-cigarettes next he's gotta pick up a ride share customer now he's gonna be late but he's going to make it seem like the passenger's fault and not his where the hell have you been I've been here man maybe you press wrong button I don't know now don't talk to me I'm on four different phone calls [Music] hi everyone Peter Griffin welcome to the roast portion of the evening ladies and gentlemen my son Chris born on the highway because that is where most accidents happen but we're here to talk about Brian getting another year older you know I hear he can't even bury a bone these days without Viagra all right all right I can take it and they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks but I heard Brian just learned how to roll over and beg for an erection okay that's sort of just another jab at my penis but sure on the positive side Brian's latest book was a real page Turner yeah I turned the pages into toilet paper because Brian's old now and can't satisfy women through intercourse Peter I'm fine are you sure this isn't about you not being able to perform on your anniversary I told you that in confidence [Music] foreign slow down buddy it's snack time not Black Friday nobody's walking out of here with First Wives Club on Blu-ray okay nice as that sounds I heard there's a special feature on the Blu-ray that's just Diane Keaton shrieking the commentary huge if true actually Stewie there's something important I sorta need to talk to you about okay I recently found out I have cooties and you're telling me why well I mean remember last week when we ate from the same Play-Doh [Music] close to town [Music] [Applause] [Music] I just think you should get tested okay what you mean I played with the Play-Doh everyone you ever played Play-Doh we've played with I've been played can I have a chocolate milk with my snack today please what honey the chocolate milk is the snack [Music] yeah hey Bonnie is Joe around no he's on his Stakeout oh that's too bad tomorrow is Chris's career day and Joe's hat is a key element of what I do so that's how I became quahog's first Ninja cup questions yes Mr Officer hi yeah did you park in the handicap spot ninjas don't have cars Well's getting towed oh no my Chevy Cruze thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you man something smells good in here you're cooking Brussels sprouts no I just farted that checks out anyway something else smells good I think dinner's ready I didn't hear a ding that's how I always know to run into the kitchen shove a napkin in my shirt and hold my utensils upright at the table well I made it in the oven not the microwave foreign you want a little taste come on all right crap that's the best thing I've ever heard you know I usually cook for one and a half but Joe's still on his Stakeout you want to stay for dinner oh man I'd love to but it'd be wrong I always eat dinner with Lois oh you sure you can sit in Joe's dining harness if you like how does he get into that thing we have a large array of medical grade cranes and pulleys that lift him man that must make the house ugly it does all right I guess I could text Lois but just this once foreign okay we're good so how long have you had Invisalign you can see it yeah I mean it's just a name not a fact okay Stewie think positive the test results will be negative chin up bud incontinence is really not that uncommon at your age what underwear do you recommend depends sorry old joke now get out of here and go have some fun make some fake skin out of dry glue would you all right who's next oh Stewie come in okay I just want to verify some medical history here any recent boo-boos no any ouchies or uh-ohs no nothing like that God good good and how many boogies would you say you consume in a week oh God maybe like one maybe two during the holidays maybe Stewie I'm your doctor I can tell just by looking at you that you're eating more than that I'm thinking you had one just on the way here what okay I did I'm sorry I've just been so nervous about these test results well that's understandable seeing as how you did test positive for cooties what that's terrible I think you need to get your Affairs in order I didn't have any Affairs I'm one well then you're ready to die [Music] did you say something me no just humming is part of my alternative cooties therapy did you know literally vibrate disease out of the body no I know the opposite of that oh Brian you'll see when you get this close to death your whole perspective changes I got your meds honey my father never loved me but it's doing he take good care of me who was that that's my 20 year old nurse he's wearing homemade sandals yeah he has no medical training Stewie aren't you being a little dramatic about this cooties thing Brian this is The Flintstones cocktail I have to take every day 17 Barneys 18 wilmers I have to take the BAM bams just to keep things moving does this seem dramatic to you yes incredibly I found one come look he likes to find frogs in the garden and then show them to me his Simplicity it keeps me young foreign what's wrong you don't have an appetite I'm gonna get one just give me a minute you've barely touched your dinner what was the more you talk about it the more it's gonna be a whole thing just let me Focus here okay okay that's working oh this is better Bonnie did you just call me Bonnie oh God no we all heard it Dad hey Chris okay got it well what if I spiced it up for you Peter I I think I saw a takeout mustard packet in a key draw that's a waterbed for my army guy what if you spun the plate around Dad tried it from behind Meg go to place uh do I have to I said go to a place anyway Lois I think it's a non-stata tonight I'm just gonna go to the bathroom look at pictures of barely legal Russian food on my iPad and then go to bed okay we're rolling hi I'm Tony Award winner Stewie Griffin Styles what it's called manifesting rye anyway everything I have and own is being left to Rupert in a trust for when he gets sober and no rule but getting high is not getting sober I don't care if you found the one AAA group in town that tells you otherwise Brian are you getting my right angle you said you wanted it from the left side you want it from the right the left angle is the right side okay back to one Steely you got a letter from the Make-A-Wish Foundation oh my God they've accepted my application I'm gonna get my final wish granted I get to meet the Philadelphia Flyers mascot gritty gritty gritty gritty I'm not gonna pee in a cup for you so stop asking this was supposed to be my day and you're ruining it you'll then move me for this too I suppose oh Brian I'm glad you're here me and a bunch of other buff cooties victims are gonna shut down the third floor of a Bloomingdale's tomorrow what do you think she's alive right Stewie come on this is ridiculous do you mind this music Brian do you like Opera not really oh brah you really haven't heard the wheels on the bus until you've heard it in its original Italian [Music] you've taken this whole thing too far I'm washing my hands of your cooties which had you done in the first place might have prevented all this you'll see Rupert that's why I'm glad you stopped drinking you were that ugly [Music] Yoo-hoo anyone home I'll get it no I got it no they sure do grow up fast don't they Chris have you masturbated today no ma'am well get up there and don't come back what's for dinner what are you doing here my family's right inside I thought you might want some lunch Joe's still on his Stakeout and I know you like Wagon Wheel pasta of course I like Wagon Wheel pasta I'm an adult with a developmental disorder man that smells good okay fine but we gotta do this quick right here against the wall all right hey Stewie I wanted to apologize for last night and also maybe charge my phone what the hell Brian if you're watching this it means you couldn't find your phone charger and came into you as mine man am I that predictable yes yes you are anyway I can see that my disease has become a burden to the people I love so I've decided to take a bust of Vermont to have physician-assisted suicide what I've left two suits in my closet and this is very important the black is for the Wake the wool is for the Graham story two suits right two looks that's what people would expect of me oh my God this is terrible okay don't look at the tags that's tacky well I'm not telling you that but not cheap I don't care about the suits anyway you were a good friend Bry oh and if they make a movie about my life don't let Jim Carrey play me unless he gets his eyes done even then though hard Maybe what have I done this is all my fault I drove my best friend away and now he's alone and dying on a bus somewhere oh also you can have my penis enlarging machine it's in my closet ah did you look are you will you text me if you looked hey guys have you seen Stewie no have you checked his Instagram of course felt a little trepidation about killing myself so I went to a fish show in Burlington to push me over the edge that's it he's in Burlington thanks Chris long days short years huh Meg Chris masturbate Jared [Music] this is seriously the best turkey I've ever had Barney looks like Joe's home early what I ate most of us did it he's gonna be so pissed I better hide hey Bond did you know there's a difference between 10th Street and 10th Avenue anyway I may have bonered the Stakeout well thanks for pre-chewing my meal babe the food shuttles out of my cloaca much easier that way time to let these dogs out of their cages bun would you turn on my foot Fame create a distraction so I can get out of here oh God Peter's texting me about going to the clam that guy is getting insufferable and that dumb Shaquille O'Neal GIF it's like we get it it's humorous for a man that large deck playful I thought so so anyway I'm gonna go dump all this completely undigested food out of my bag into the toilet if I time it right and close my eyes it almost sounds like real diarrhea this can never happen again Barney time for a poignant cinematic farewell [Music] when Bill Murray is serious [Music] [Applause] hang tight Stewie I'm coming is that is that Bernie Sanders goes to Vermont once ah how'd you get in here I was propelled by a heart attack now let me talk about wages while the corners of my mouth fill with Mung your glass is always that smudged I haven't used a wipey cloth in 35 years you know who uses wipey claws billionaires I'm sorry I agree with everything you say but can you just say it's softer oh someone at Coachella must have said my name three times goodbye wow Lois this smells amazing yeah it's eggs and garlic I microwaved them till they were mixed oh oh they're beautiful I love them well I'm just glad to see you like my cooking again Peter what do you mean what other cooking would I like bunnies you're saying I've been eating at Bonnie's okay fine Lois I've been eating dinner at parties I think we should have another baby that'll fix this I don't care you don't no it's less food for me to make and besides you know these things happen in all marriages now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go into the other room and sing Melissa Manchester's don't cry out loud foreign Black Betty by Ram Jam hello Black Betty Pam lamb BlackBerry [Music] almost done Stewie do you have an email address for our mailing list uh no thanks I'm about to kill myself teacher look Stewie I know I've been hard on you but it's only because I've been struggling with my own mortality what but you're perfectly healthy Stewie I celebrated my 10th birthday this week in dog years I'm 70.
It's all I can think about that's the age people shrug at when they see it in an obituary wait Teo you're 70. do you get regular peels you look great yes I've got a great gal we'll talk the point is I felt like my life was ending but I was wrong when I was driving up here to the clinic I saw the leaves change I tapped a maple tree and milked a cow I tried fresh cream for the first time and went to a writer's Retreat I met Margaret Atwood and we foraged for wild mushrooms well sounds like you were in a real rush to get here the point is I've got a lot of life left in me and so do you easy for you to say you don't have a terminal illness or for God's sake you don't have Brian what are you doing don't touch that that's the infected Play-Doh Ryan no stop there now I have cooties too and I don't care you you don't we all have cooties whether it's illness or loneliness or turning 70 nothing is promised we could get run over by a car struck by lightning we could be hit with an unprecedented pandemic that the government is slow to recognize woefully unprepared for and then mismanages with Reckless incompetence but that's all the more reason to appreciate the time we do have I mean look around look at this room it's beautiful right did you eat those mushrooms you found yeah you actually look like a very old witch right now but I'm also just happy to be alive and you should be too you know what you're right Brian too bad you can never get that on the page but that's profound hey I changed my mind I don't want to do the procedure my life isn't over why I've only just begun stop it no no no can't afford it well what can we afford s yeah you first question go ahead Meg was noticeably absent from the episode was that a team decision yeah I'm not gonna be answering any questions about Meg we'll be dealing with Meg internally over here do you think we'll be seeing more of Peter and Bonnie teaming up I thought it played pretty well uh we'll have to look at the tape on that and uh make a decision moving forward yeah you guys used to be on at nine now you're on at 9 30.
what happened with that all right I'm done here this suit costs forty thousand dollars and I'm throwing it away after this press conference okay over here [Music].