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Family Guy Season 20 Ep.17 – Family Guy Full Episode Uncuts 1080p


thank you [Music] meet Alana Fitzgerald how she got here is quite a tale and I'm here to tell it to you I'll tell you all about Alana and who am I I'm Stewie the talking baby from Family Guy Do you really not know that and now to our tale it started innocently enough late last month foreign this lesson has been a treat you are always the best student and you were always the only teacher in town who didn't rest a hand on my knee while I played it's okay I'm not a teacher Chris go to your room sure thing mom just one more sniff of finesse hmm as you were Alana it's been five years since you graduated and still no College plans I still want to audition for Juilliard but I still can't afford the 1200 application fee oh you're not gonna tell me you can't pay the seven dollars for today's lesson because that's our sandwich money will there be sandwiches they miss Ada can I talk to you about Alana I have an idea you can talk about anything you want as long as you shout it over the Patriots game critical third and third and again she's so talented oh no I know it's sad come on the clock is ticking but I just think we got higher how to help around the house yes thank you Peter I know you'd understand man it just really sucks when you're playing from behind exactly that's why I'm so happy to help her out yeah I think we'll both sleep better tonight and the Patriots set up on defense go for the sack well you did agree to the Alana thing where's my clothes then this gross encounter sealed the deal and just like that Alana was welcomed as a member of our family [Music] oh that must be Alana what are you the amazing crescan just open the damn door welcome Alana oh thank you Lois are you sure this is okay okay it's wonderful come on meet the rest of the family now of course you know Chris hi Chris good to see you again and it will be good to see you again through the bathroom Keyhole that was not original to the house hi I'm Peter I enjoy middle of the night hallway cereal I'm Meg don't touch my drum set or you're dead meat no one had ever heard of Meg's drum set before this moment oh Lois you're so lucky to have such a beautiful family I didn't grow up with any of this let me show you where you'll be staying and you can get settled in oh there's plenty of time for that let me get started on dinner I was thinking tacos and nachos well that sounds good to me what do you think Peter I just arrived in my pants that night we all ate tacos and nachos that were so good we stood and cheered we were the Envy of a neighborhood here chill barely saw a trout in white rice as Trout's the lucky one it's over for him what's that child thanks mom looks terrific [Music] did you guys know you have a pool in the backyard it was just overgrown with grass and weeds there's no water in it though [Music] sure that was a close one you know Alana I confess I wasn't sure how this was gonna work out but you've been terrific that you're just too good to be true too good to be true like a single Jewish doctor hello where are you doctors can be girls too so shut up yes everything seemed perfect in our household but sometimes things aren't what they seem we'd been so conditioned into believing our mother's life was empty we couldn't even fathom the idea that another person would want it it was a real All About Eve moment or if you're under 70 a real single white female moment or if you're under 50 a real swim fan moment or if you're black the Beyonce movie Obsessed which I haven't seen But hear real good things about yes Alana was a regular Lisa which is the character from obsessed which I just looked up Stewie eat your vegetables okay that's pretty good but I'm on for you [Music] thank you how hate 15.

Well that's much later than I usually wake up but at least I won't react like a character in an 80s movie 8 15. [Music] I am so sorry I didn't realize how late it was you guys must be starving what what's all this oh good morning Lois I thought I'd let you sleep in oh that's nice where's Peta oh he's here he's just in the kid phase of the mini wheat cycle the shrinking process was incredibly painful mom she made us eggs with Falafel or as she calls it Falafel Allah Alana it's hard to say but they're delicious I take adult-sized poops but I have kid-sized patch I could die from this yeah that's that's part of why I don't let Peta do that but you know what I'm glad you guys are all enjoying Alana so much oh she's the best in fact Elana and I stayed up all night scissoring well Meg you're really good at this yeah I had an older babysitter who kind of showed me how hey maybe after this we can get out the cribbage board and work on our pegging a mayor Wild West and my neighbor's kid had to explain this to me guess this week is church on Sunday and Wednesday but anyway back to our Tale The Dominoes were falling one by one especially Peter who found Alana to be a sheer Delight that would be more clear when you see how she's about to be dressed Shara I can almost see your bum through your nightgown anytime Peter saw someone at 2AM he assumed it was Santa Alana what are you doing up show nipples oh sorry I was just cleaning out the freezer okay any Popsicles that say property of Peter Griffin are mine got it you see anything else you like I can think of one or two things did you enjoy your five course meal I wouldn't consider an amuse Bouche a full course unto itself huh I guess you're right hey maybe we could split a popsicle for dessert yeah sure if any of them have your name on them help yourself foreign [Music] ER I've got more time to do stuff like this can I be on it with you Brian hmm that's what a woman says before she trashes another woman I'm a little worried about Alana I mean the kids seem to like her and she's good at her job but maybe a little too good you know I don't know she seems cool to me I mean yes I know she's very sweet yeah sometimes I feel like maybe she's after something I just don't know what it is well maybe you're right I'll tell you what I'll talk to Alana and try to sniff out what's going on with her oh thanks Brian I'd appreciate that I'll tell you I'm starting to wish I'd never I hey sorry about that looks like Lois is plenty threatened by that new girl who moved in I tell you what [Music] wow dusting the den huh you're really going the whole 8.2 meters what oh sorry nine yards I just read so many European authors I slip into metric sometimes anyway Alana could you do me a favor with a u and maybe do a little less housework less housework but that's why Lois hired me well I worry Lois might be feeling a little displaced since you've been doing so much around the house lately oh I'm so sorry I would never want to make her feel uncomfortable hey maybe we should discuss this while I brush your fur okay I see what you're doing this kind of stuff may have worked with the kids but I kind of look out for Lois in a way that they don't and believe me Alana I can get pretty mean if I want to Brian that's adorable and I love that you're so protective but come on we all know you're just a big sweetheart and even if you were able to be mean to me I'd still be loving you yeah well loving you say I'll be loving you well cloudy days are Sunny loving you are you sure that's a promise honey when your kiss can no longer pack a thrill [Music] [Music] get out of here [Music] I'll still be loving you wow you've got some pipes but about Lois I'm still worried she's unhappy unhappy what's there to be unhappy about every morning every evening and we got fun not much money oh but honey we got fun despite Brian's initial skepticism they sang 19 numbers from the American Songbook and he was sold Alana's victory over our family was complete and Lois realized she needed to take matters into her own hands oh hey Lonnie uh oh she's trying to assert dominance by creating a fake nickname I see you're giving a bath to the still man she does it to me too so I was thinking since you're so close to making the twelve hundred dollars you need for Juilliard why don't I just throw in the difference for this week and get you on your way huh thanks Lois I'm so excited for you to spread your wings and pursue your dreams she wants you out of here this is so generous Lois I'll be on my way first thing in the morning okay you're all done little man all right let's do backside first get the heavy lifting out of the way Lewis [ __ ] the twelve hundred dollars had gotten a llama out of her life but it was the other way around here's twelve hundred dollars I want Lois Griffin dead by morning whoa I could finally send my nephew to Juilliard he plays the melodica really is he any good you tell me he did the opening Fanfare for 20th Century Fox [Music] ah good morning Chris good morning Meg good morning Lois Lois my clothes were in the wash so I borrowed your clothes in Peter's bra boy my morning jog was murdered but Alana why is your hair red I decided to diet I'm a huge Kathy Griffin fan well that doesn't add up no one is a huge Kathy Griffin fan I beg to differ sometimes comedy is Just Energy and who cut my head out of these family photos sorry that was me Alana and I did some scissoring last night that's out oh we were just have fun and got carried away tell you what I'll end as I get back from doing the groceries I do the groceries Alana you won't like me when I'm groceries when I get back from the market I think it's best if you're gone I understand and don't worry Lois after today I promise you will never see me again [Music] foreign let's check the grocery list dozen eggs orange juice bread and one Sara Lee cheesecake I will take tiny finger pinches up all the way home and then throw in the outside trash oh God I love shopping what's this Noah fancier ah what the hell all they sell here is roping body bags [Music] you guys I just found this note from Mom dear family I've decided to leave you all and become a lesbian wait we can just do that Dad how did this happen I blame myself because of my fat I can't be on top the whole family was so alarmed that no one noticed Alana at the piano practicing Lewis as part of a theme song it seems today not all you see violence and movies and sex on TV on which we used to rely witness is this related to the virtual stranger I like take over my life and family this past week shut up we're taking you to die wow wow no I no God just give her the iPad no the book says kidnap victims are getting too much screen time these days they bond with the iPad not with us [Music] yeah please please don't let your white women make a podcast about my disappearance foreign kids now that your mother is gone I want you to be prepared for a lot of pee on the floor next to the toilet this is a speech no father should ever have to give his children I don't think you guys understand what a huge loss this is oh I fully understand Brian hello this is an angel she's my soul mate there's never been another Lois and there never will be not for me she's Irreplaceable hey Dad what's for dinner tonight hmm and so we return to where we began with Alana and her rather Twisted path to the altar it's a very logistically cookie church we have gathered today suspiciously quickly to celebrate the union of this man and this woman now before we begin let me just say that yes I am the priest from YouTube who plays the guitar pretty cool priest you can also catch me playing fortnite on Twitch now I understand Peter has written his own vows um yes I have and I'm definitely not just reusing the vows I said to Lois when we got married in the late 90s dear Lois what's up you're the love of my life yada yada yada I'm hungry unless anyone has a reason why these two should not be married I hereby stop [Music] what is this in all my years as a cool priest I've never seen such a commotion at our lady at the bottom of the hill someone tried to take over take over and met him at him oh my God you're the guitar priest oh boy not this this is the last thing I wanted okay now who here knows jumper this is a very serious accusation is it true Alana I I'm sorry Lois I just wanted your life so badly I've never seen a man love his wife as much as Peter loves you God you don't need to get out more and your beautiful children and your dog the baby I never liked well I was on to you sir that's not why I knew I gotta marry her have Shari Lois the only things I liked about Alana was the stuff she stole from you but who needs her when I got that genuine article right here I guess what I'm trying to say is what's for dinner how Peter I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend you're under arrest Miss Fitzgerald come on you're coming with me [Music] [Applause] it's probably like my favorite rap [Music] thank you thanks for agreeing to see me Lois get on with it what I did was unforgivable I've had a lot of time to think about things you have nothing but time in prison really I know it sounds crazy but I miss the sound of those kids feet running to wake me up at six in the morning when do you wake up I don't know whenever they serve breakfast they serve I guess you don't have to cook for yourself in here huh you're not allowed to I want to switch wrap it up ladies inmate you're gonna be late for your net in class knitting class what Stitch all of them I guess I want to switch I want to switch I wanna switch and here ends our tale of Chris Chris what are you doing Dad said I can do voice over too fine you know what you do it I'm Chris Griffin and I once saw a film called all about beef and it was nothing like this good night everybody no foreign I was very brave when the doctor gave me that shot one night Lois yes Peter you are very brave even when I knew that he was going to give me the shot I just kept looking at him in the eye and talking to him about my summer plans you did very good see Peter it wasn't so bad yeah except for having to sit next to that screaming autistic lady in the waiting room [Music] I don't know what you want I don't know how to help hi there excuse me I seem to be lost can you guys help me oh my God are you Brian Reynolds from The Proposal in the changeup and a ton of upcoming stuff yeah that's me I was on my way to Newport and I kind of got turned around of course Mr Reynolds we'd be happy to give you directions you take 138 to the Jamestown Bridge and you're gonna follow that fire truck yes I see it Peter it's a fire truck and after the bridge just follow the signs thanks hey what happened to your arm I just went to the doctor got my cholesterol checked wow why does a guy in his 20s need to get his cholesterol checked oh come on now oh hey I never got your name all right Peter Peter Griffin and I'm low catch you later Peter wow he was really nice not like when I met that [ __ ] Shelley Duvall hi I'm Shelley Duvall very nice to meet you big deal came right after me like I was just dying in the meeting Peter you're gonna have to let that one go [Music] hi Mrs Genetti I'm here to pick up Stewie oh sure Brian he's in the playroom with Gavin Gavin that's a stupid name and nobody likes you at school you're gonna be ugly when you grow up and everything in your house is cheap and it smells in here oh hey Brian bye foreign I like Gavin Oh yay this is such a great song really yeah really I don't have to defend Carrie Underwood to you she is doing just fine without you Brian I'm just gonna sit in the car till the song's over all right but don't take too long it'll drain the battery oh shut up it's not preventing them better I took a Louisville slug into both headlights I slashed the hole in all four tires maybe next time he'll think before he cheats I should be on Glee I should be on Glee my God I just drove that was amazing I can drive now I can do a slow Cruise past my ex-girlfriend's apartment 11 45 and the lights are on doing it with the lights on now [ __ ] don't mind looking at his body I love you so much though [Music] well where's that dog with the different colored eyes back ew and gross it looks like he's got a bone it leave them alone no this is what Bob bark has been talking about all these years go on get get out of here weird phony dog hey look who it is hey Ryan Reynolds what are you doing in Cleveland's house well believe it or not they've decided to shoot my movie in Quahog instead of Newport I'm playing Hitler but he's a young Hitler and he's got a rocking body it's called hotler color me seven bucks lighter hey I'm so excited that we're gonna be neighbors we should totally hang out yeah that'd be great okay I'm embarrassed I'm standing out here without a shirt on and my pajama bottoms are riding insanely low on my hips and how much money you make you think enough for a shirt right so I'm having this housewarming thing tonight and I'd love it if you came by yeah that sounds great anything beats what goes on at my house Friday nights hey Lois what's going on here oh it's my book club Peter come join us oh okay [Music] all right let's see new novel new novel new novel what's it about what's it about a guy a guy who loses everything but finds his soul in Canada all right we're cooking though cooking now and the whole book is an email to his daughter who's dead and his name will be Norm Hull because he's just a normal guy but not everybody will get that that's just for the scholars 100 years from now okay Rupert you ready to go for a drive [Music] oh my God Rupert this is such a thrill look at me I'm driving I'm driving a real car I don't believe it well I'd say we need to put on some tunes hey welcome back to weenie in the butt on 97.1 oh we need the butt just like the grown-ups listen to and that was Baby by Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris which means it's time to give away some Justin Bieber tickets oh that's right but our fifth caller will win those tickets hey you know what Rupert you know what I should do just like as a goof I should try to win those Justin Bieber tickets just so I can like tear them up or use them to go to the concert with ringing Rupert it's ringing I'm too nervous they're celebrities you talk to them foreign number five you're going to see Justin Bieber oh sweet Jesus yes Jesse I won Never Say Never oh my God oh my God oh my God Brian's gonna be so mad at me what am I gonna do okay it's all right I'll just get a little bit of paint and cover up the dents unattractive women do it all the time you look pretty today Carol thanks it's probably just a dress in the makeup oh now that I look closer yeah I think that's what it is too hey you made it and you brought a friend great I'm his wife Lois we actually met the other day oh sorry I meet so many people but there's really no way you could know that yeah she's a housewife she don't know whatever you got balls in here is it me or did she just make that weird please it was definitely not you hey is this shirt too tight I'm feeling really self-conscious no not at all so it look it looks good like this yeah it looks good thanks now I don't know what to say hey I got like an Insider Hollywood question for you it's um is La short for something you're a riot hey hey so what's all this about everyone in Quahog likes to tickle fight what is that what I never heard that yeah apparently it's like a thing it is yeah I mean they also said that people who pretend not to have heard of it are chicken well I ain't no chicken for nothing be nothing fight over fight over wow you got a lot of catching up to do and tomorrow night in the dark huh in the dark yeah if you say so just don't tickle me in my lower abdomen I'm super ticklish there lower abdomen you're gonna wish you never said that this might be totally off the wall but are you doing anything Thursday night you probably have plans anyway you know what yeah yeah wait forget it forget it forget it blah nervous you know Ryan most people take one look at me and just assume that I have plans so I never get asked out but I I frequently don't have plans so yes I would love to do something with you on Thursday night yes oh my God right now would be the worst time for you to tickle my lower abdomen because it's so exposed because I'm cheering yeah Thursday night ah your big mouth just got you in trouble we now return to the end of a depressing 1970s sci-fi movie starring a guy in a turtleneck we've gone far enough I think we're safe from the corporation here [Music] it can't be no you will never defeat the corporation they've won there is one way adson you can shoot yourself if it's the only way I must foreign [Music] what the hell Stewie get out here look at this do you know anything about this about what about what a beautiful day oh my God that is surprising oh I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised but what happened gee I don't know do you know what happened I'm sorry what was that I I was laughing at that funny thing you said at dinner the other night what funny thing um that you you remember what you said about Lois's um potatoes are rotten didn't think anybody heard that we should laugh at the time but what the hell happened to my car well I don't know man but the good news is it doesn't look all that bad Brian it's just it's that spot right there that's upsetting you right Stewie I know it was you your potato joke was terrible I can't believe you drove my car you could have gotten yourself killed I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois no no you can't tell them I'm in so much trouble Stewie I have to alright I have covered for you plenty of times before but not this time this is very dangerous and I have to make sure you never do it again I won't I swear Stewie calm down sometimes in life you just have to accept what's coming to you like the contestant who gets the Lesser showcase on The Price is Right Lindsay your showcase is all about relaxation and what better place to relax than in your brand new hammock this sturdy and portable hammock from swingway turns any patio into a Tropical Paradise and you can entertain yourself on your patio by drawing with chalk yes Pratt Millwood eight color pastel chalk will turn your patio into a tropical Art Studio but you'll have to pack your chalk because you're going to be staying six days and seven nights at your parents house in Wilmington Delaware I move my abortion for this um hey thanks for taking me out to dinner Ryan but I gotta say this food looks a little weird oh Peter Moroccan food is the jizz I don't know looks like it might give me the kind of fudge I get from eating Mexican food [Applause] hey do these pants look alright sometimes I put them on and I'm thinking I look all balls no I think you're good you think my balls are good you're so weird it's awesome though all right I don't know hey have you noticed what a jerk the mailman is in this town like he said there is no way Peter Griffin could crush a baby bird with his bare foot while I watched that guy talks more crap about me um oh you gotta taste this lamb tagine here oh that's no that's okay come on you'll love it just a taste that was intense what you just did watch here lots of flavors whoops Freeze Frame what's gonna happen next I think I gotta go to the bathroom [Music] I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car it'll probably ship me off to Siberia it sucks I hate it here shut up drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons we now return to popular Russian cartoon show and shoeless shoe and shoeless one is meaningless without the other well that's it I have no choice I've got to run away foreign it could be worse though at least I'm not getting stabbed by some random guy on the street see it's the exact opposite oh it happened anyway hey Stewie you up what the Brian I've decided to run away don't come looking for me and definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on the plane with like an emotional speech and possibly flowers for example it would be awful if all the TSA people were gathered around watching this emotional moment even the older black female carry-on scanner who initially stopped you with a baggage check but who after you told her of your intentions said go get em child in flagrant disregard of all newly implemented post 911 security measures and if you were considering bringing a boom box to play music I would suggest any one of these six songs so again ran away don't come after me [Music] [Music] Daddy oh hey Peter Lois we got a problem I think Ryan Reynolds is in love with me what don't be ridiculous it's true last night we were at this restaurant and he tried to gay kiss me I'm telling you he wants to get with me Peter come on why would any man dress while groom himself and lift weights just to sleep with other men he's not gay well I don't care what you say he likes me and we do have chemistry I won't deny that I I will take responsibility for my part in this shot I'm just gonna go over there and let him down easy ah snoggy died last up what this isn't the airport oh my God Rupert we've got to get out of here God damn it oh no no baby fall down is that is that Consuela baby all alone in street I take baby home it's me Stewie don't you remember you used to clean for us we used to make you use the bathroom at the gas station foreign hey you uh hey Ryan uh bad time um perfect time come on in I was just oiling my legs so hey what's on for tonight you know my dentist leaves his office unlocked I was thinking we could do some nitrous and then have dinner in there look Ryan you're a great guy and everything but I don't like you in that way I mean there are some things that I would do with you but my heart wouldn't be in it what are you talking about that you like me and you want to be my boyfriend you think I'm gay where did you get that uh I I you you tried to kiss me Peter I'm not gay what the hell's the matter with you look look let me let me put a t this way I'm attracted to you and the way that a man is attracted to a woman but I'm not gay when you live out in Hollywood you learn that life is about different spirits and energies you meet along the way I just thought maybe our Spirits could intertwine you know our energies could merge like my spirit could go up inside your energy I I have so much to learn about show business but you know what I could never really be attracted to somebody who uses labels like gay and straight maybe you should just go well now wait a second what do you mean this isn't working it was a nice thought but I think we should go our separate ways no Ryan I get it now I I can be what you want oh Peter don't embarrass yourself you need to just let this go fight no it's time for you to leave I can change I could change I'm sorry Peter we're done we can never talk again here's a cell phone so we can always talk don't you guys have any tub toys yeah this is prescription medication and it's not even your name on the label what is this what's in this tub jicama and what is what this is a chicken leg are you also making soup for quinceanera big party many people oh my God iron pero Aki doggy asaki I bet even you guys don't watch George Lopez Consuela hey it's Brian I'm looking for Stewie no no baby Aki I peed in your soup happy 15th birthday which by the way is not a special occasion in the normal World Stewie I've been worried sick what the hell are you doing here Brian I'm I didn't find me I used my nose which I always forget about come on let's go no I'm not going back I can't they're gonna be mad at me I didn't tell anyone you you didn't no I didn't look I thought about it and to be honest it's probably my fault for leaving you alone in the car and if you promise never to do it again I won't say anything okay I promise my baby what I say let go of me Consuela we're leaving my baby hey she says it's her baby man now get out of here he's my baby Ernesto no I'm not I'm not a nest okay this is so messed up right now [Music] I did not want to have to do that they were very nice to me up until then [Music] stop staring out the window Ryan's gone he finished his movie he's moved out how could I have been so blind how could I not have seen what he offered I think the whole thing was very strange he thought you were strange how about that whatever I just can't help but one day will I ever see him again [Music] [Music] welcome everyone my name is Von jiner and I'm vice president of creative bankruptcy for the Fox TV network which at the time of this writing is still a thing that exists just from looking at your clothes and weight I can tell you all watch a lot of free network television am I right excellent you have been selected to be part of a focus group that could affect one of America's most beloved television shows Family Guy that woman looks exactly like me that's your reflection Peter oh I'm beautiful as you may or may not care Family Guy is in its 17th season and since Fox is now owned by Disney which will someday be owned by Netflix which will someday be owned by PornHub we have decided that Family Guy is ready for a reboot reboot I thought they said it was a couple of tweaks yeah we're supposed to trust these idiots that woman has her finger up her nose and that's still your reflection Peter oh she's beautiful now as most unfunny women will tell you women are very funny that's why our first reboot is built around the very popular Louise it's Lois whatever the mom this is our time this is our moment this is a short song for syndication going to work huh yes Joe I'm going to work great more and more women are doing that [Music] good morning goddess you know I just want to say again that you were totally right last night to bring up that thing I did wrong 11 years ago and please feel free to bring it up again anytime even if we're talking about something completely unrelated thank you Peter I will oh I I know you will morning Lois hey girl oh hello okay couple who's constantly jogging what are you up to this morning just adopting and pucker kissing yeah we're Network TV gay so all we can do is adopt children and pucker kiss no tongue stuff isn't that right sweetie well I'm off to my high power job at a fashion magazine rating Cod company or Winery I can't wait to see which Oh yay it's a winery good morning Judy Greer morning Lois how was your night last night great I worked out made dinner a little family time and had Peter's ankles up in the air by 11.

God I admire you that's what you're here for Judy Greer oh I almost forgot Bert wants to see you in his office huh what about he didn't say but it sounded hashtag serious ah meeting with the boss this is gonna be worse than finding a spider in the kitchen oh my God peed up there's a spider in here yeah I know genius hi Lois I want to let you know I'm considering you for a big promotion really that's amazing the job's not yours yet it's between you and one other person smarmy J Tai straightener III I hit a gay jogger on my way to work today [Music] sorry I only satisfied you twice tonight I found a pouch of Big League Chew earlier and my jar is worn out yo did great Peter good night perfect uh I just don't know what to do about this thing at work I are we still talking about that I mean it's fine if we are we just we talked about it before dinner and and during dinner and after dinner no you're right I'll be fine good night Peter I just want this promotion so bad okay so we are talking about it you know what I'll make a vision board see my success and be my success my testosterone is so low I could not have thought of that would you like me to put on our sleep ocean noises with an occasional shocking seagull Screech yes thanks I have a big day tomorrow good night excuse me may I have your attention please now I know you're all wondering who is going to get the big promotion and I'm proud to announce that person is smarmy excuse me where do I put this Briefcase full of money uh who are you I'm president of wine and paint tonight Incorporated Lois Griffin just landed my account through her wit charm and professionalism is that so well in that case the big promotion goes to Lois Griffin [Music] [Applause] [Music] what can I say I love my wife that's my show why shouldn't this be me because I'm the funny one not on this show you're not or am I I thought we had one more face so what did you think and please keep in mind that your spontaneous comments will affect the jobs of hundreds of people come on you idiots don't screw me the show is from a woman's perspective but it still felt like it was written by a man okay well what if I told you shut up yeah kind of changes things doesn't it anyone else I'm sorry I was scrolling through the weather in random cities great you're taking this very seriously you know what I don't really get Family Guy what's so hard to get you just need to have grown up in the 80s but still be a teenager So based on that one episode featuring Lois how many of you would likely watch a second son of a [ __ ] anything else huh 76 in Santa Fe right now hey what's going on in that room it's a focused group of Arby's Executives watching us eat ing people who will eat anything 50 bucks says the fat girl eats a third big beef and cheddar who's on it okay I'll take that I've got it oh come on don't do it here she comes all right kid take your time yeah damn it many recent shows have found success by rebooting themselves as gritty Supernatural teen dramas like Teen Wolf or Riverdale which are watched by as many as 6 000 people a year so we thought a similar approach might work for Family Guy I'm guessing we're wrong but let's find out for sure [Music] [Music] it's a show for teens a sexy show for Tears some things not normal but what does Norma mean in a world that's on fire [Music] hey Goldman great job with sports today thank you Chris we're almost ready for the important sports game hey guys hey Ruth good gender fluid shower great gender fluid shower dad what are you doing here putting my gender fluid in the shower also I'm the town sheriff but you don't find that out till later because it's not relevant to the story Chris there you are Patty what's wrong why aren't you in [ __ ] class it's your sister Meg she's dead I have to go wait where are you going I'm gonna go to a club I'm too young to get into and listen to a band that's on a wave Alone by the same parent company as the network who left that gender fluid in the shower [Music] sexy red [Music] so what can I get for you sexy teens um how's the vegetarian lasagna terrible even at the best restaurants we'll have five of those it just doesn't make sense who would want to kill Meg um can we all be quiet we've been asked to nod our heads while the band plays the song our parent company is aggressively marketing kid [Music] I can't even with this I'm gonna go get some air and Pebble up my nipples [Music] you guys check it out patty just got into the college for people with Bright Futures oh cool is she still gonna major in light to live for yep I think she's the one kid who's gonna get out of this sexy Town paddy I'll be right there I just have to drink a product placement beverage first Peach Coke stop [Music] Patty are you out here Patty no I hope nothing happened in the most disposable member of our cast gosh look [Music] dead well I see she did stiffen up those nips didn't she y'all ready for your lasagnas we're in the woods [Music] guys it's time to fire up our superpowers because we're also lesser-known Marvel characters [Music] and I'm your neighbor who you didn't know was also a superhero Captain pedantic are you here to protect Zach and I Zach and me but yeah now's when you find out I'm the sheriff I'm laying on a pine cone he means lying on a pine cone now what happens now one of us will become a breakout movie star and leave the series wrecking it for the rest of us yay it's me sir what did you think pass okay and how many of you would watch it if the girls were wearing white shirts and black bras a did you write the focus group questions what of course not and if you're impressed by the size of Alexander skarsgard's penis that doesn't make you gay right answer him [Music] I know you've been here all day but it's not like you have jobs to go to so I'm going to show you one more reboot idea which wi-fi should we be logging on to Glendale Galleria public yeah that's what I've been trying sometimes networks will cancel a show only to reboot it with less popular characters from the original while the more popular actors go on to find greater success in movies or ugly public divorces please [Music] Rocky there's a Family Guy lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us Family Guy [Music] Family Guy again is filmed before a live studio audience I'll get it hello oh oh hey there Stewie or should I say g'day mate since you're in Queensland Australia where you moved with Brian and mega after mom and dad died oh married life is pretty good no still no kids but I've been practicing a lot by myself masturbating yes between you and me I think Trisha might be barren uh Stewie I better go Trish is giving me that look okay give my love to Brian and Meg and hopefully we can come down there for the season finale no you're just not gonna be a part of this at all okay then bye Stewie Chris I'm standing here in the living room because I need to talk to you about something very important look we've been through this it's my house and I want to wear shoes in it Chris I offer you a choice you can either continue wearing shoes in the house or continue having sex with this age-defying Eastern physique foreign here listening to you toss and turn and wondering if there's something you'd like to discuss I don't know it's just it's been so hard since mom and dad died and Joe moved in with all his big band records yo puto kicked Joe out of the house what he was my dad's best friend for 20 years I can't do that Chris I offer you a choice luckily I'm the town windower for me every day is a pain wait please stop this yes if I give you back my Diet Sprite can I leave how did you feel about the show I didn't like it could you be more specific I just don't like the people or what they're saying or doing if you could sum up the show with one sound what would it Beck for me it was more like the last squirt of a plastic mustard bottle is that our mustard no I always bring one with me in case the show is kind of everybody shut up hey it's that sheriff from the queue the people don't like anything well if you're all so smart what do you want to see in a Family Guy reboot yes unemployable neck tattoo guy it's a Bible verse doesn't matter anything above the Adam's apple means drugs I like Netflix could you be Netflix yeah Netflix is awesome of course it's awesome it's Netflix look we're stuck being Fox we have to deal with it okay I watch Fox oh yeah don't nobody does yeah I like shows that are binge-worthy first of all binge Worthy is not a word it's a marketing tool you've been brainwashed sir but fine we'll make Family Guy binge Worthy foreign [Music] [Music] foreign [Music] that terrible all right we only have the room till six o'clock so what else it's not six o'clock yet what else young Sheldon is good how about young Family Guy how about I murder your whole family what about BoJack Horseman hard no you get to be a horse hard yes normal words but a horse guy can we please stop this you just asked for specifically that it's not six what else I Like That Antiques Road Show fine and you're saying this is George Washington's poop that's correct I have some news you might not like the poop is only two weeks old what how can you be sure well for starters there's a Skittle in it ah the general had a sweet tooth eh um that was horrible and I'm gonna tweeze the skittle out and go back in a week I like those Netflix stand-up specials right matter of fact we filmed one back when I was in all set up no punchline comedian so any of you out there have a futon yeah yeah right I ubered here tonight man Starbucks Facebook huh and how about that new chip and credit cards anybody ever been to Georgia the new iPhone is large EDM music you stink yeah Dane Cook already did all these hands of jokes hey hey this is my job I don't go down to Burger King that was terrible Netflix should make 800 more of those all right what else what else you guys want I like that thing James Corden does carpool karaoke I can do that hey you having a good night I did just had a devil's three-way you know me and two guys I think that's just gay sex why are you telling me all this isn't this taxi cab confessions no this is carpool karaoke we're about to sing an Adele song oh that's gay pull over by this hot guy and let me out I thought I read you guys were phasing out gay jokes that quote was taken out of context and widely misunderstood all right what's next you sheep I like the Olympics can you guys be the Olympics well NBC hugs all the good sports so we'll get stuck with the boring ones that the announcers always have to keep apologizing for welcome back to pairs diving and once again we are so sorry for this Brian anything to add no just our deepest condolences to a board nation and we've got Lois down at the pool Lois anything no guys just so sorry that any of this is happening I I mean even once every four years seems like just way too much and they're up in the air and now they're in the water what is it again a splash is bad uh yeah I think so that's so stupid I'm sick of all the voices on your show can you change them up to who I like John Benjamin voices can you all be John Benjamin voices Hey Joe hey Peter hey Quagmire hey Cleveland okay goody looking hard there for you fellas nobody touches my voice I liked all of that um except for the bartender hey guys the coffee beans Wi-Fi doesn't need a password everyone the reboot is off it turns out the executive who ordered it was just a squirrel who snuck into the office what yes but In fairness it was the same squirrel who greenlit Brooklyn nine nine the show that challenged the notion that only Attractive people can be on television so what does that mean it means Family Guy is just fine as it is [Applause] well the Family Guy reboot is off what other ideas do we have Brooklyn 910 it's possible this guy only has one idea you know what I'm glad after all that they let us keep the show the way it was well not exactly the way it was hey buddy I brought over my big band records they wanted more jokes they wanted more Joe foreign to Sesame Street now on HBO Go oh hi you guys how was school honestly mom today was kind of weird every kid in school had to write a list of five reasons principal Shepard is cool and then have their parents sign it what that seems crazy one time I saw him pee in a urinal with his hands on his hips that's pretty boss why would the principal make all the students do that I don't know I think he's going through a tough time he's in the middle of a bad divorce what how do you know that he's actually been pretty open about it good morning students today at 3 30 James Woods High will be hosting a cross country meet which also happens to be where Lorraine has threatened to take my children across the country and here's today's Tuesday trivia question does this sound like yelling because apparently this sounds to some people are yelling foreign ly some peace and quiet so I can buckle down and get some writing done [Music] hey buddy what listen to this say it's all been a pack of Lies what why just do it just say it's all been a pack of Lies it's all been a pack of Lies that sounded really good thanks babe hey you know what that song's about Phil Collins watching some guy watch another guy drown and then the next night he invited the watching guy to be in the front row of his concert so he could sing it right to him and they could arrest the guy really why wouldn't he have just helped the guy who's drowning I don't know I think he was on a bridge or something like he could see it but he couldn't get there in time but he let a whole day pass why didn't he call the cops because he was busy writing the song wait if he just watched doesn't that also make him a little guilty look I'm not saying we wouldn't bring Phil Collins In for questioning I feel like maybe this story is bogus hang on let me check Snopes yeah none of that happened ah hey what's up well I'm trying to work on a sequel to The Old Man and the Sea are you are you allowed to do that but I can't get anything done it's so damn loud around here oh yeah that's what Hemingway used to complain about this Spanish Civil War is just too loud how am I supposed to get anything done no I mean it might sound silly but I used to daydream that by now I'd have my own place by a lake somewhere an oasis where I could go to right pay the bills by renting out the rooms oh like a BNB that could be fun what what are you talking about I'm talking about you and me opening a B and B are you serious that'd be great sure it'll be fun all right let's give it a try can't be any worse than when I was on the Night's Watch hey guys you all want to say the oath again yeah oh for the watch oh for the watch for the watch oh hi Brian oh I'm the boring storyline of the fat guy that's watching that girl and I'm Ballers I totally get it you're right to do this [Music] well well if it isn't Meg Griffin leave me alone you guys relax we're taking the day off from bullying oh thank God very funny who put the Ark of the Covenant in here Meg is so stupid she couldn't handle the glory of God's love students faculty and staff of James Woods High does anyone know how to push down the back seat of a Highlander I know I can make a bed in there I just don't know how oh my God principal Shepherd what's wrong I just listened to two hours of butt dialed sex between my wife and the ADT Alarm guy why didn't you just hang up because I missed the sound of her voice principal Shepard your wife is on the line she says uh uh oh God harder foreign man I still can't get over how perfect this place is I know it's going to be such a darling B and B I got the boiler up and running Mr Griffin well we don't have a boiler but I can't wait to see what you've done in the cellar oh also please rub the H and the C off all the knobs so people won't know what the hell is going on I want the first four minutes of every shower to be confusion and anger welcome members of our school Community let's call to order this emergency meeting of the school board regarding principal Shepherd's meltdown I know a number of our students have felt traumatized by the events of this week and we take those concerns very seriously well I wish I'm done with my gum I don't want it but I'm done with it penis I'll take it so due to his erratic Behavior we have placed principal Shepard on indefinite paid leave typically vice principal Maguire would step in however I was informed earlier today that she was found dead in her car therefore the board is Seeking a parent volunteer to serve as interim principal until a permanent replacement can be found I'll do it I should note you will be subject to a background check do it I've always wanted a job where I can let my dandruff go wild what no way I'm not having my dad be the Principal how embarrassing yeah no offense Peter but I don't know if you should be running a school what are you talking about I'm a natural leader that's why I'm so good at leading Simon Says Simon Says leave the band yeah you know what you guys are wrong and I'm gonna prove it to you again any volunteers I'll be your new principal wonderful why don't you come on up and introduce yourself all right James Woods hi cheerleaders give me a hand check him out check check him out my name is Peter check that ain't no lie check I go pop pop fizz fizz oh how sweet it is check check I'm done with this gum now what but I'm done with it thank you okay mom why was this Listerine in the garbage oh your father says he doesn't need it anymore now that he's a high school principal oh my God he's not really doing that Izzy I'm only gonna get bullied worse now hello Breakfast Club as a principal I like to start each morning with a reference from last century dad I don't want you to do this too late I've already been practicing giving students awkward and uncoordinated high fives Chris if I may yay two fingers inside of the Palm contact Perfect all right I gotta get to work by 7 40 because that's when high school starts for some reason see you at the way too early 10 40 lunch I feel you Meg shut up you shut up wow look at us running a BNB yes so far all the guests seem very happy hi we're checking out just charge my card that's weird that's the fifth couple to check out after only an hour hi we'd like a room please wait I'm sorry weren't you just here a moment ago with a different man oh crap Stewie we have a problem the only people checking in are here to have sex with prostitutes what nonsense well then why are they all signing the guest book and writing quaint things like railed Crystal good oh damn it this is awful how could I have not noticed sooner I mean it's more obvious than when George Takei was in the closet hey George how are you I am a heterosexual I love vaginas so what are you doing tonight hopefully a choking God's sub vagina oh numbers all right that sounds fun see you later I am the heterosexual [Music] good morning children I am your interim principal Mr Griffin and to show I'm a fun principal I'm gonna do the Ice Bucket Challenge three years too late but right on time for a principle and making no less sense than it did when it was current foreign you're welcome person who's probably already dead but hey now I got something even more fun how about we all do an expertly choreographed lip dub to a popular song [Applause] [Music] living it up in the city got a police and a fireman ladies this is my associate Ryan [ __ ] [ __ ] Brian what what's all this this Brian is called diversification you see if our guests insist on bringing prostitutes into our BNB we might as well provide the women too what Stewie We're Not Gonna become pimps are you sure I'm sure the answer is no so don't bother flashing a wad of money because there's no way I'm gonna change my answer in the middle of this sentence okay maybe we could try it out and see how it goes hey what are you girls doing standing around get to work I'm telling you that dog is very easily persuaded now let's see what's going on at the old high school [Music] hey guys guys when Borat was making announcements over to PA this morning that was me what shut the front door Taco Tuesday is nice knock it off give me back my lunch what do we got here grape juice in a Ziploc bag I have to make my own Capri Suns ah hey stupid what the hell are you doing that's my daughter yeah what are you gonna do about it what am I gonna do about it I'll knock your teeth down your throat and out your butt you little bastard oh you think that's funny him spilling juice all over the floor this is gonna make people sneakers sticky and then we're gonna have to listen to quick all day well I won't have it get on your knees and lick that up what are you serious yeah I'm serious I'm the principal yeah oh my God I'm so embarrassed what are you talking about that jerk is finally getting what he deserves yeah Meg now that your dad's the principal you could finally have power over the bullies now you little punks get to class and if you see Miss Milliken tell her I said hey what's up huh maybe you're right wow dad that was really something Miss milk is just a friend oh I don't mean that I mean the way you handle those guys that were picking on me really I felt like I kind of lost my cool there not at all that's what you've got to do more of you were like a real principal there I was yeah in fact if you're gonna leave the school you've got to know that kids need discipline especially kids like them and their friends Jeremy and Bridget oh really where might I find this Jeremy and Bridget I don't know study hall second floor all right listen up maggots Fun's over there's gonna be some changes around here and what better way to show you I'm serious than to smash a desk with a baseball bat foreign [Music] okay we'll pick this up on Monday do any of you know my wife Lois tell her I'm on the Batson to come get me she'll know what it means [Music] let's go keep it moving get the class hey you you salute that flag when you walk by Kid loads of people fought for that thing including yours truly you were in the service I may have misunderstood what yours truly means now clean out your locker yes sir and you clean out his locket and you take the stuff from that locker and put it in your locker now everybody switch lockers you two share a locker yeah this is a better school now because we all switch lockers hey Dad listen the four of us got together last night and we came up with a list of 11 students and two teachers that you need to do something about maybe you should start with Mark Rutledge why what'd he do he wouldn't kiss Ruth at the Sadie Hawkins dance even though she bought him dinner before Ed Walt's roast beef well I don't see how that's got anything to do and he called you fat oh I'm gonna squish him that's right don't take any crap from anyone oh I won't I'm gonna take down all these punks just like I did in my 1980s crime series Gary rutowski Hockey Cup give me that purse hey criminals [ __ ] you get the [ __ ] out of my neighborhood go [ __ ] yourself oh here come the real cops hockey cop not a cop all right ladies I'm going to put this as gently as I can but it appears that someone's rectum fell out on the stairs now whose is it be honest all right that's fine but let's just agree on a rule that if your rectum falls out on the stairs it's on you to pick it up look at that Brian our day has just begun and there's a line out the door I know we're raking it in this is a hell of a lot easier than when I delivered Pizza in New Orleans [Music] come on I gotta deliver this pizza I need to be there in 30 minutes it's a company promise we won't stop blocking the street [Music] okay so I think Lee Blanding gets detention and for Jason O'Neill maybe you could paint some during an assembly yes good I like that oh hi you two what are you working on oh nothing I um I'm just helping dad with his schedule for tomorrow you know he's really doing a great job he's actually made the school a lot better huh well I gotta admit I was skeptical but it sounds like things are going pretty well down there yo bet they are they'll go even better after The Purge the what hey Meg how about one of these one of them things yeah peanut what the hell are you doing uh he's just saying he wants to use his key to drive me to school tomorrow in his car okay now what exactly are you doing down at that school I'll tell you what I'm doing I'm doing a great job like when I was a pro football kicker foreign [Applause] there you go yeah we going to the club tonight not you okay [Applause] [Music] hey Brian what's a Splat job I I don't I don't know Stewie I'm worried that you're seeing too much good morning ladies with a paramedics able to resuscitate Lamar Odom they're still working on it it's tall get it okay shout out everybody back to work yeah about that we gotta talk oh uh sure what's up we just realized we can keep all the money take your house and kill you if you try to do anything about it all right we're just gonna step outside and figure out a counter and they locked us out but my loaf of cinnamon raisin bread it's just go they won oh we'll see about that hello I'd like to report a brothel operating on Route 6 near Round Hill Road thank you you want to eat mangled raisin bread across the street and watch the cops raid the place yeah I like that [Music] well here comes the UPS guy oh I bet he's delivering those marmalade jars we ordered does that feel like a million years ago yeah we don't need those anymore sorry just send them back [Music] do that oh yeah you can just refuse delivery you've never done that I I genuinely did not know you could do that well you can anything you order if you don't sign for it it has to go back everyone does it most of what America is now is just boxes going back and forth foreign students this is a chair without a seat Jeff Banfield I'd like you to please come down here take your pants off and sit me what did I do you know what you did Jeff I don't even know what's going on just go Jeff or he'll start hitting that trash can with a spoon again [Music] what is going on here just a little of the three hours Reading Writing and reckon this guy's sick the school board received a very serious complaint Mr Griffin you are hereby relieved of your duties oh promotion no you're fired we've reinstated principal Shepard wait wait he's back we had that crazy meltdown about his divorce then I went on a sex trip to Thailand and I banged all the goofy right out of me wait dad's fired who did this who turned him in I did I hi hi Patty why Mom because what you and your father have been doing is wrong well talk about this at home well I guess your mom was right all along I had no business running a school can I be honest with you Dad I thought you were awesome stood up for all the kids who get picked on you stood up for me wow so you think I did a good job being principal no you did a good job being my dad [Music] come on Meg let's go home and next time I want to get back at your bullies I'll do it the old-fashioned way as a grown man beating up teenagers in a parking lot I'm planning on dying tonight what are your plans [Music] I want a chainsaw what what are you talking about some lady at the Block is giving away all of her husband's stuff because he shot himself in the face oh my God I've seen that lady he did the right thing that's also how we got this couch basically everything in this house is Christmas suicide Furniture Donna they had a bull horn I don't know why but they had a bullhorn Cleveland it's time for lunch what do I want sandwich when do I want it now I ain't in no lipter sir [Music] kids Bonnie just told me about the neatest thing it's called a podcast I guess it's like a radio show on your phone have you heard of these podcasts yeah Mom we know what podcasts are huh I guess these types of things take a while to reach the moms I'll have to let Bonnie know foreign wow really mom Stewie needs his sausage cut and his Butters bread yeah let me get that for you buddy [Applause] there you go eat up little guy damn it Peter you're rowing Stewie's chair and Bonnie wants to know what all the noises [Music] amazing that's right since William Defoe has more bones in his face than most people have in their entire body he's perfect for Kevin because the angles are so sharp it's beautiful Peter yeah I just love William Defoe it's not William it's Willem yeah that's what I said William he was in Spider-Man with Kristen Dunst Kirsten Dunst right Kirsten Dunst it's not dunce it's Dunst yeah Kristen dunce in the movie she dated William dafoe's son spell it Joe spell what you are saying right now well I'll give it a shot k y r h look there's a reason I became a cop and not a Spelman a what a Spellman Spelman is not a thing Joe sure it is fireman longshoremen Spellman stop me when I'm wrong he's getting too many right now I'm starting to think there is such a thing as a Spelman hey guys check it out it's Groot oh yeah [Music] oh yeah got a chance Lois you know how hot it was to get that thing scattered it's even worse than trying to cover anything with Saran Wrap foreign hey hey foreign [Music] perfect can't wait to throw that out in two weeks [Music] [Applause] foreign [Applause] [Music] I'm just hollowing out this tree for the Keebler elves to live in awesome I know right gonna get us a lifetime supply of fresh baked but still stale Supermarket cookies all right time for a little Elfin Magic [Applause] [Music] oh my arm oh son of a [ __ ] foreign look oh poor thing must have been living in the tree and its foot seems hurt it's even worse than that it looks like the tree landed on its parents and killed them nobody touched as much squirrel bodies I gotta get my camera that girl is one giant red flag Stewie this squirrel needs help I wonder if maybe I could take care of it I don't know if you should do it on your own it could be a lot of work would would you do it with me well I didn't think it [Music] you know what I think that's a marvelous idea Chris I dare say we would make outstanding parents to this squirrel hey there Griffin boys I saw this tree go down any looting it Elven Treasures uh no hey Donna the tree regular well somebody's getting big and strong did you hear that one vet technician say our little squirrel here was in the 70th percentile for height and weight no which vet tech said that the one with the neck tattoo which one with the neck tattoo the one we saw smoking in the parking lot when we were leaving again you're gonna have to be more specific the one wearing pajama bottoms as pants sorry I don't got one oh yeah with the half-shaved head she was nice well I bet this cutie is hungry what what are you doing don't film me film the baby but you're both so cute this roll it it suits you it's like you've been waiting your whole life to be this person you're gonna make me cry oh you made a little toot that was me it was one of my cross-legged ones I should probably stop recording well if it's your elbow that's bothering you we should start by checking your reflexes okay they seem all right that's good but you gotta help me my arm really hurts it all started after I got a chainsaw hmm is that right well it sounds to me like you may have chainsaw elbow chainsaw elbow yes it's all explained in this video hi I'm Tommy Lee Jones congratulations on suffering from the coolest arm ailment there is chainsaw elbow there's a celebrity dick it's always been my passion to own a ranch in a low tax state that I list as my primary residence and when I'm not patented Awards shows I'm out in the field cutting firewood for a stage Instagram post sometimes I overdo it end up with chainsaw elbow now here's fellow Ranch owner Dennis Quaid to discuss the dangers of tractor ass so you have tractor ass okay so how much synthetic opioid do you need I'm trying to prescribe enough to earn a fanny pack aren't there any other options well there's a trucker hat but those look stupid on me you know sometimes joint pain is connected to back issues have you ever had a chiropractic adjustment or set it's a procedure where a guy who couldn't get into Medical School tries to rip your head off does it work if you believe it works it's kind of like the Polar Express let's do it okay I'll give it a shot but this type of thing is usually done in strip malls next to a Little Caesars [Music] holy crap what happened well I think we simply found your true height before years of poor posture and wear and tear crushed your spirit and your spine wow Mr Griffin let's discuss risk factors do you lead a lifestyle that's sedentary pet sedentary I'm saying you need to strengthen your core and exercise regularly is that the Hat stupid right [Music] I know the holidays are still months away but I was just so excited to take our family Christmas card photo are you kidding I love it you know what Chris I feel like I'm ready to start trying to find another squirrel what nothing I just I just hit the lottery when I met you here's your photo it's the only one where the squirrel wasn't trying to bite your hand oh I love it how much do we owe you it's fine just keep it Sears just closed forever foreign ER what happened did you tease that witch again no I got a back adjustment turns out I've been this tall all along you don't say well that's amazing why are you still wearing the same pants I don't know I only get pants at Christmas so I get pants at Christmas so how is it being that tall that's okay I guess although I've noticed I'm a lot more clumsy in the bedroom I'm so sorry you two keep going I'm gonna clean this up foreign Stewie come quick it's first steps and we've got to film this I know I know look at that oh I'm going to cry I've never felt this proud that's going on Instagram right now totally but we should pair it with a song about steps or walking oh my God yes Walking on Sunshine oh that would sell it sell what that we're totally cliche how about step by step New Kids on the Block no the Eddie Rabbit version and have people think we're a hundred let's do Walking in Memphis I will concede that's a good song but we don't live in Memphis so I find it confusing what about Walk Like an Egyptian well we don't live in Egypt either ah hoisted on my own petard nobody walks in L.A again we do not live in L.A oh let's do I love la do you know what this is going to surprise you Chris but I agree with you let's use I love la [Applause] as this will really tell people [Applause] [Music] thank you all for coming today it means a lot to Stewie and me that you would be here I got this crisp everyone after the service you are all invited to a small reception to honor our beloved squirrel nothing fancy just acorns and puddle water it'll take place either on top of the fence or along a power line but first please join me in a frozen in place moment of silence followed by a manic scattering in all directions all right the Quahog Fair hey Peter would you get off your phone sorry young girls keep killing each other because they think I'm the Slender Man now like are you are you telling them to kill each other it's just a goof you sure you're not too tall for this nah it's gonna be great what the hell my bad ow who's doing that it's that jerk up there kill yourselves Peter come on it's just a goof [Music] don't you dare touch its bedroom the squirrel is gone Stewie and there's nothing we can do to change that yes thanks to you if it weren't for you oh sweet baby it would still be alive me that's right if you hadn't kept the squirrel up so late none of this would have happened that squirrel should have been in bed Chris it was 7 45.

What I'm not the one who just had to post a video to Instagram that very second you couldn't even enjoy the moment for one damn minute before desperately groveling for online approval from onsie never talked to in past co-workers you don't even like is that Sue well if you had a newer phone it wouldn't have taken so long to upload the video well excuse me for not having a fancier phone I'm only a paper boy oh I'm well aware that you're only a paper boy ah perfect I see you're using a game no I wonder why and don't think I didn't smell the Charleston chew on your breath at the service maybe if you've been a little sharper on the evening in question we wouldn't be able to had four Skittles that night that's not zero you knew there was a dog in the house he's practically your best friend or maybe even more than that you shut your damn mouth oh this is awful why does Dad seem so much easier in the Rocky movies goodbye Mick uh were you just gonna put him in a drawer what do you like filing them yes for tax reasons Jews don't die they just slowly depreciate and then are eventually written off what's the matter Peter I'm just sick of being tall I had enough time getting everything in the toilet before I want my whole body back well there is a way what is it lock the front door Peta if you really want to get shorter I can berate you what the female power to belittle is such that the recipient can physically shrink in stature that's why husbands and wives of the same height in old age Lois berate me okay Peter but if I do this I really gotta do it do it for status you're a failure you didn't go to college Daddy pays on mortgage and you're a terrible husband and father ouch your whole life is a pattern of hateable noises the way you chew a banana makes it sound like it's filled with bones ouch I loathe little wheeze at the crest of Every Breath You Take I hate the one story you tell it every cocktail party about almost meeting John Kerry it's a good story you didn't even meet him almost your eyeglass lenses have been smudged for 19 years ah crap everyone hates it when you see fireworks and you announce this is a finale please stop Pink Floyd is multiple guys he is you're so predictable I know everyone that's gonna come out of your mouth before you'll even say it stop it I watch for Purolator Courier before they went bankrupt appearance intelligence penis size [Music] well Lois you are a master well let me first start by saying y'all's doing your relationship a huge favor by coming to couples counseling now why don't y'all start by each trying to suck up to me so I can choose who I'm all sad with well I'm Stuart and I would love to offer you a freshly baked brownie oh my someone's already in the lead I'm Chris I'm somehow both signing the checks and always wrong see this is why we came right it's this all day oh that's right I'm not allowed to mention I'm paying for this it's both 100 true and also the worst thing anybody could possibly say he had his arms cross the whole ride here excuse me if I don't buy into this whole head shrinker business Stewie promise he'd make healthy meals for us but all he ever makes is frozen pizza you said you loved Pizza especially when I make the ones with a crust made of wheat he also does that oh really go ahead show him those girls you'll follow on Instagram it's all bosoms and derriers on there this is all stuff I've talked about with my life coach Kyle yeah life coach Kyle's into you and you know it what okay Chris why don't you tell your side of the story while our share looks with Stuart that say whoa this is what you gotta deal with this is just so hard Stewie won't stop blaming me about the death but it's not my fault I didn't kill our squirrel you know I'm sad too I know I just I just don't know what to do with all these feelings which is why I suppose I've been taking them out on you I'm so sorry Chris me too Stewie we can't bring our baby back but we'll always have Tuesday through Friday of last week keep talking as it's gonna open up this big book and use the time you pay him for to figure out when you're next available it was a true pleasure parenting our squirrel with You Chris likewise Stewie and although his life was brief I'd always have very fond memories of him wait him it was a her no it wasn't the squirrel was a boy what that's crazy Chris he was a boy how do you know well you've got to check with your finger but you really got to get it in there huh well then maybe it's better that our baby you molested is dead oh fudge don't be a grinch please return plate to G Quagmire oh great so it's a gift and an errand [Music] oh oh yeah [Music] all right new pants [Music] you guys know what this meeting's about no idea how about you morning breath Mike I have no idea listen up everyone Sails are down across the board but mostly we're failing to connect with a group called Millennials I shot this guy cry one time to learn more about our Target demographic we're all gonna watch this instructional video news on the March Millennials who are they what do they want a millennial can be defined as anyone born between 1982 and 2000 or anyone who thinks loving Sriracha or Austin Texas counts as a personality Millennials crave things like instant gratification authentic experiences and for some reason we haven't figured out yet improv comedy here's one Millennial who has a parakeet with 9 million followers on Snapchat he is another who single-handedly started the hashtags that canceled 12 Network TV shows she found offensive and now I'm told she identifies as a man so I'm being fired hello I'm your new announcer and actually he was just about done thank you and good day so please welcome someone who's going to help us reach Millennials our new head of social media hammer [Music] he just group texted us hello and now here comes a text from the guy who doesn't know this is a group text nice to meet you Hannah let's have lunch later and I'll tell you who's gay right on sup I'm Hammer uh first I'd like to not thank you for hiring me because I just expect good things to happen to me without working for them second I'd like to give you all a list of my trigger warnings what's a trigger warning actually bruh asking me what a trigger warning is is one of my triggers bruh I feel traumatized bruh and now I'm tweeting about you bruh and now you're trending bruh and now your life is ruined bruh and now you're fired bruh what what happened to bruh also the lack of diversity here is horrifying bruh ah Brad's gone now if we want to get some social media attention we gotta start with a group selfie um excuse me didn't Ellen do this like three years ago hey does Tay Diggs follow you on Twitter No but craft shingles does that's what I thought and posted do you know what I just did I just made you all viral also my band is playing tonight at An Inconvenient time it's six on shower guys and a pale woman with a ukulele shouting hay in unison because that's what music is now hey hey [Music] what is this they just keep saying hey I know it's my favorite song okay is for horses hey guys you wanna have a smoke break what we can't smoke inside it's not smoking Peter it's vaping everyone's doing it even Darth vaper I find your lack of Vape disturbing come on Peter give it a shot foreign [Music] what happened all of a sudden I feel like I know better than everyone else that's because anytime someone walks through a cloud of Vape smoke a millennial is born I think I feel it Broad City is so funny no Broad City is genius no no Broad City is everything there it is grossly exaggerating the quality of a just okay TV show Peter you're officially a millennial hey you want to ride in the millennial Falcon ah look at that we found another one foreign [Music] passage for any Millennial is attending Coachella it's a great place to see bands that are either really new or really old which one should we say well on the main stage it's Tame Impala that formed in an Uber pool on the way here and on the side stage it's Neil Young asleep in front of the television [Applause] a cat Peter you're doing great as a millennial next thing is you gotta learn how to be on fleek on fleek people still say on fleek no Peter that's not what I meant I want you on fleek this is Fleek oh can I ride him sure Peter get on fleek yay [Music] our country is involved in six different Wars but Millennials think about this stuff [Music] remember Peter never walk anywhere when you can ride something weird instead what's that sorry I was taking a selfie while shooting a Snapchat while periscoping that Snapchat while instagramming latte while shazamming the weekend while streaming master of none while retweeting George Takei while saying this wins the internet while still being hashtag so bored Hammer Hammer come on man don't make me look up from my phone oh you're texting me [Music] [Music] oh no hammock you call 9-1-1 you give me a shirt to make a tourniquet you snap a pic Clarendon filter Clarendon Emma stay with me buddy Peter if I die chop my body up and serve me as street tacos so selfless no I won't let you be made into tacos Peter it's it's too late listen I've got this idea for a business and uh I want you to have it it's artisanal artisanal what is it pretzels is it artisanal pretzels has that been done does anyone know if artisanal pretzels is a thing it seems so obvious you know I don't think I've ever seen them I better do Millennial CPR one Whatever two yeah whatever three uh I'm gonna let my parents take care of this foreign [Music] it seems in poor taste that they hired keyboard cat [Music] assembled congregants no worries to you and also to you let us tweet Peter why is he naked in there it's an environmental statement Lois please stop looking at my dead friends dong listen I made breakfast and drove so if there's a dead dong I'm gonna look at it we've all lost a great friend slash Barista slash DJ slash Genius Bar employee slash person with a yellow highlighter at the Best Buy exit and now a reading from the book of Just Jared death be the ultimate fail Peter I hate to do this here but you were good friends with hammer and business at the brewery must go on that's why as of today I'm making you head of social media hey whatever you want I'm a team player I was even one of the 300.

hey there's 299 work because I gotta go diarrhea off the cliff foreign to Marvel's the offenders good morning you see I gathered you all together Kevin Spacey Roman Polanski Woody Allen Steven Seagal Matt Lauer with the pudding pop Brett Ratner and you lesson on offender James tobac don't forget me Harvey shower like is Matt Damon coming no but he knows about all of us he's very aware of what's going on here you see all right guys I gotta come up with some social media ideas for the brewery what do you got oh you went viral you asked the right guy you remember Leroy Jenkins yeah right what do you mean right you know Leroy Jenkins what about him do that Joe you can't that already happened do it again the same with beer hang on a sec thank you how about some fruit in the beer oh guys we need social media specific plans to reach a younger audience remember Joe really bit my finger do that you know what I give up we've given this what almost a minute Peter that's the problem with kids today they have no attention span wait that's it we'll do a show for people with no attention span we'll call it the six second talk show well I guess that could work but it's just so sad that young people can't pay attention to something longer than six sec what the hell you guys I was talking you know there's more to life than just what's on your phone wrong idiot anyone know how to turn these things off all right six second talk show in three two I'm Peter Griffin and this is the six second talk show my guest tonight is Joe Biden and that's all the time we have thanks for watching good night how was that I kind of dragged well Congress is at it again good night it's the six second talk show and now your host [Music] foreign welcome to the six second talk show I'm Peter Griffin and now our musical guest Bare Naked Ladies here at spent I'd like to thank our musical guests Bare Naked Ladies good night peanut I can't believe your talk show was such a huge hit for the brewery and thanks to that I'm now a huge social media star oh my God what the hell is that hello Griffin family I'm coming to you live via living room hologram I'm Parker Stanton CEO of Boop the most powerful company in Silicon Valley do you know Mr Skin we'll talk later look Peter the reason I'm here is because of your six second talk show now I haven't had the time to watch it but I hear it's the buzz of Silicon Valley I want you and your family to visit us here as my guests so I can find out what the next big thing is oh I got lots of ideas I've been working on something called look at it kick it look at it excuse me can I help you kick it pure genius see you in Silicon Valley oh this is exciting a family trip yeah I love traveling I'll set that trip to Europe where we spent most of our time trying to refold our map all right the museum is that way so let's fold them up and go okay a couple more Folds nope okay wrong end let's see nope nope that's wrong find the corners it's not a puzzle Chris you gotta fold on the creases I'd be able to find the creases if somebody had folded it correctly last time I did fold it correctly no you didn't and then you jammed it into a backpack and now I'm in this mess don't fly me you ripped it off when you were cameras through the backpack for your snacks okay this is why I wanted to bring a globe all right you don't have to fold a globe who the hell would bring a globe on vacation see bud we're eating food and they're tearing each other apart where to next Mortuary [Music] welcome to Boop as our name suggests our Mainframe connects to and Powers virtually every server on the globe without Boop there is no internet hey Parker are we still on for the Samsung Galaxy Note meeting after lunch yep are the test results in yeah but let's save it for the meeting where's your nearest bathroom gender fluid yes there will be a lot of that must be one of them high-tech Japanese toilets I'm gonna be into electric Urena and make this box go higher I'm having so much fun what the hell is going on our Mainframe is having a meltdown hang on let me flush [Music] how could you do that this is the most irresponsible thing that although I was incensed by this man I had to admire his courage for leaving his penis out the entire time I was yelling at him as a man who struggles with body dysmorphia I couldn't help but be impressed by that kind of self-confidence as I stood there being berated by this man I couldn't help but notice his searching gaze years later we would bump into each other at a small Cafe in Rome and reminisce about this moment and later still recreate it in a small bed and breakfast at the bottom of the Spanish Steps but that's a story for another time or as they say in Italian Moto homo Peter you've done some stupid things but crash in the internet has to be the dumbest yet look at the chaos you've caused I have no idea how to drive without texting why can't I post this video hello what did you say why aren't you looking at your phone you psycho why is no one liking my posts well I hate all your posts hello [Music] [Applause] hello Peter Lois is right this mess is all your fault settle down Brian I'm sure life will be just fine without the internet maybe we can even go see that Amish comedian sir where are you from Chicago I have never been to Chicago how about you sir Boston I have never been to Boston anyone here from the backfields of Pennsylvania Ohio or Upstate New York no then I have been Jebediah son of Abner how are we gonna get back to the airport there's no internet which means there's no GPS which means we can't use Uber okay I have a crazy idea let's get a cab there's a taxi stand dead barely alive to the airport now because you can't stare at your phone anymore enjoy a disturbingly loud clip of Jimmy Fallon on cab TV tonight get ready to lose all respect for Al Pacino when I force him to play a game meant for children this this is why Uber foreign [Music] no Amazon I'm so bored come on Meg you're overreacting we still got Network TV we now return to Kevin can wait on CBS well that's not gonna work okay everybody don't panic we'll just do what people did before the internet we can play charades Oh you mean like your marriage Chris I told you that in confidence dad you got to do something nobody can live without the internet ah you're right this sucks it's even worse than when I was roommates with Oscar Pistorius somebody's in here everybody's in here I'm the one who screwed this up I'll be the one to fix it I'll be the internet what are you talking about we can do all the things we loved about the internet we just got to do it without technology from now on if you want to tweet something you do it the old-fashioned way write it on a piece of paper staple it to a bird and throw it out the door hey do you follow Peter Griffin on Twitter no why is he funny no he just throws dead birds on his lawn it's awesome foreign news Chris I figured out how to recreate the best part of the internet I've got pictures of five celebrities who you'd never believe used to be fat great let's see them sure buddy but first you have to watch this unwelcome pop-up ad I don't want probiotics and press the skip add button why should I do all this work they're really good pictures Chris number three will shock you okay I'll press it oh no you pressed in the wrong place and now you're being sent to the ads website which also has additional pop-ups this is a nightmare just tell me one of them Kanan Thompson it's not a surprise [Music] hater what are you doing oh I'm your Waze app today you on your way to work yeah I am all right you will be there in six minutes just start heading straight okay sounds good so how's everything take a right right now geez okay calm down left take a left immediately [Music] would you like to upgrade to an ad-free experience for 4.99 no try new Domino's Pizza [Music] hey Peter who are these guys oh this is just my looping GIF of black teens reacting to a very mild burn huh sounds kind of pointless Oh you mean like your feet laughs [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] all right trying to be the internet is impossible I wish I never peed on that server you know when my phone gets wet I just put in a bag of rice shut up Meg that's dumb I've done that before it works Chris that's brilliant we just need a big bag and a lot of rice you sure that's gonna work ain't worth a shot we'll just have to roll up our sleeves and do the best we can like The Men Who Built New York City men creating an entire subway system out of nothing is grueling thankless life-threatening work but just remember we're doing this so that one day future commuters can be hassled by panhandlers and amateur break dancers what about public [ __ ] that's specially public masturbaters now let's go die Underground [Applause] [Music] look we're getting a signal I think we fixed the Internet something's coming through it looks like an ad smithwick's artisanal pretzels son of a [ __ ] well I'm glad you got the internet hold on I'm sorry what were you saying yeah sounds good and send take that Delta Airlines submitted for your approval a restaurant full of people so distracted by their phones they're unaware that they're all about to go up in smoke just like the fox Tuesday night lineup [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]

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